Fix You
by JaggedHands
Summary: Amanda Rollins is a top notch chef, owning two michelin star restaurants in NYC. She meets and befriends detective Olivia Benson as she reports her own assault and rape.
1. Chapter 1

Amanda Rollins struggled to get to the 1-6 precinct. Her left ankle hurt which caused her to limp heavily, bruises, cuts and marks covered her face, neck and body. Her big sunglasses covered most of the injuries, a thick scarf concealed the hand prints on her neck. She had debated with herself all morning if she should report the attack or not but finally her internal voice had convinced her that going to the police was the right thing to do. She was lucky she was off work for a whole week, otherwise she would have to come up with some story as to why she looked so hideous and... broken. She hoped that by the time she was due back, most of her marks would have faded and it would be easier to cover up with make up.

The elevator let out a ping noise as the doors opened. Her stomach clenched and she immediately started to have second thoughts about this as she doors opened and she stepped out into a very busy hallway. People rushing left and right, loud voices, a Hispanic man mopping up, what looked like vomit, from the floor and phones ringing and beeping constantly.

She stopped in the middle of it, trying to calm her inner turmoil, before she slowly limped down the corridor. Her whole body hurt from the punches and blows, especially her ribs and her privates. She still hadn't showered since it had happened, exactly seven hours and thirty six minutes ago and she felt dirty, as if she could still smell him, taste him and feel him on her body. It sent a shiver down her spine and she trembled as the flashbacks played before her eyes over and over.

A hand was suddenly placed on her shoulder and she immediately went into fight or flight mode. She flinched at the contact and took a step back. "Sorry," an older man with grey hair, thick rimmed glasses and skinny frame stood before her. "You look a bit lost. Can I help you with something? I'm detective Munch and you are?"

His tone was friendly and she instantly relaxed slightly. "Um," she stuttered, "I'm not... I mean, I don't... um, I'm here to report an assault." finally the words came out and the first step to justice and recovery had been taken.

Munch gestured with his arm to follow him as he led her into the bullpen. He pointed towards a closed door. "Why don't you sit down in that room while I get one of my colleagues. Can I get you anything while you're waiting? Tea, coffee, water?" he kindly offered the blonde who kept her head down as she shook it. "Okay, I'll be right back." he began to walk away but turned, "I never caught your name?"

The blonde swallowed and nervously looked around, not wanting people to hear who she was. "Amanda Rollins." she said just loud enough for the grey haired man to hear.

Munch frowned, finding the name very familiar. "Rollins? As in the two Michelin star restaurant? That Rollins?" he questioned, his curiosity getting the better of him.

Amanda made herself as small as possible, just wishing that this could be over. "Um, yeah. That's the one." she mumbled and shoved her hands in her pockets. The detective just nodded, left and went in search of one of his coworkers.

"Liv, we got a vic. Or at least I think she's the vic, she didn't say but the bruises are speaking for themselves."

Detectiv Olivia Benson looked up from her paperwork that she had been doing for the past two hours. The desk in her office was covered with stacks of files, reports and documents that all needed attention and signatures. The brunette sighed and nodded. "Okay, did she say anything yet?" she questioned as she stood up, making her way around the desk and over to Munch.

"Just her name and that she wanted to report an assault." he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned in closer so his boss could hear over his whispers. "It's Amanda Rollins."

Liv frowned in confusion. "Should that ring a bell? Has she been here before?" Olivia was trying to remember if she had had a previous vic with that name but she came up empty.

Munch just raised his eyebrows. "Really?" he stated, slightly annoyed. "You clearly don't get out much do you? It's Rollins, as in Amanda Rollins, the one and only master chef and the owner of the two Michelin star restaurant The Rising Tide. You can't get a table in there unless you're famous or filthy rich. That Rollins."

Olivia just nodded, not affected by the information she just received. A victim is a victim, famous or not. "Thanks, John, I've got it from here. I'll let you know if I need you." she walked away but could still hear him talking.

"She's blonde and pretty. Looks like your type. Maybe I should tag along as a chaperone?" he suggested, amused by himself.

Everyone in the squad knew about Liv's sexual orientation. She was always open about it and didn't see the point in hiding it or try to cover it up. She had previously dated a blonde for about a year when she realised that she was being cheated on. It took her a while to get back to where she was before but with the help of her squad she slowly but surely recovered. "You can always John. You can always dream." she gave him a grin as she proceeded down the hall.

She took a deep breath to collect herself before opening the door. What she saw made her heart ache for the stranger sitting by the table, fidgeting with the hem of her coat. Even with the big sunglasses Liv could still make out multiple bruises and cuts, the scarf was wrapped so tightly around her throat that Liv knew she was hiding something underneath and her whole posture was hunched and showed nothing but defeat, pain and fear.

"Hi, I'm detective Olivia Benson." she sat down opposite from the skittish blonde and offered her a soft smile. "My colleague told me your name and who you are." she cocked her head to the side. "Can I please take a look and see what's behind those glasses?" her tone was mild and soothing. The victim voice, she had been told that people called it.

Amanda hesitated but sighed as she figured that Olivia would find out sooner of later anyway. Shaky hands reached up and carefully removed the tinted glasses, avoiding eye contact with the brunette. Olivia had to hold in a gasp as she took in the damage on the, otherwise no doubt, beautiful face. One eye was almost swelled shut, her lip was busted, a big gash above her eyebrow and numerous smaller cuts and scrapes covered most of her pale features. "And the scarf?" she urged gently.

Amanda just reluctantly pulled it down slightly and revealed a large angry red hand print around her throat. "Who did this to you, honey?" the endearment slipped but she thought nothing of it.

She waited patiently for Amanda to answer. She saw the blonde swallow with difficulty and squimed in her chair. God, she was in so much pain. Finally opened her mouth, forcing herself to say it out loud. "My father. Frank Jr Rollins." the blonde felt unusually calm after admitting it. It was like she was numb and didn't care about what had happened to her. Not one single tear made it's way down her cheeks, not a quiver from her bottom lip and not a single sign of physical distress. Olivia knew better. This happened all the time. Some victims just shut down as if they're in shock, denial or unaware of what has happened. Nonetheless, it didn't make the attack less real.

Olivia silently nodded. When the abuser was a family member it usually made the whole case more difficult, especially for the victim who would usually feel torn between loyalty to other family members and battling about the right thing to do.

"Did he rape you?" Olivia knew the answer but had to ask anyway. It all had to go down in her report file.

"Yes." came the dry apathetic reply.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

Olivia sat on a hard plastic chair and watched as the blonde went through a very humiliating and prodding examination. Everything she was wearing had to be bagged separately and sent of to forensic for analysis. Her mouth was swabbed, fingernails scraped, her whole body scanned under a UV light, photos of her injuries were taken and her cuts and bruises were then taken care of. Her left ankle was badly sprained so a cast was not needed, just a tightly wrapped bandage would suffice.

The pelvic exam was the last on the agenda. The most embarrassing and humiliating exam, completely invading your privacy and dignity and your pride flown out the window. As much as Amanda tried to pretend she was somewhere else, it was impossible. The pain she felt kept her in the present and her mind couldn't focus on anything else. She was tired. So tired. And cold. She shivered from the cool air in the room and wished she had a blanket to wrap around herself.

As Amanda bit down on her lower lip, preventing an agonizing whimper from escaping, Olivia had updated Nick and Fin, her other two detectives, to track down Frank Jr Rollins and bring him in for questioning. When the pelvic exam was done she was given a few tablets to prevent pregnancy or and any STI's. A pair of scrubs was given to her since she had no clothes to wear and some kind of platic disposable sock. Olivia walked next to the blonde, ready to catch her if she fell or if she just needed support. Amanda was dead on her feet and walking was very painful and difficult.

When Olivia saw another shiver pass through he blonde's petite frame she couldn't just ignore it. "Hold on." she said and shrugged off her coat and gently placed it over shivering shoulders.

Amanda looked up into Liv's eyes and was mesmerized by the compassion and concern she found there. "Thank you." she said quietly, too tired to even speak.

"I'll take you home, okay." Liv offered as they made their way towards her car.

"No, it's okay. I'll just take the sub. I don't want to bother you."

Liv stopped and gave her a gentle smile. "There's no way I'm letting you tke the sub after what you've been through. Besides, people will probably think you escaped the asylum dressed like that." she mused.

Amanda had totally forgotten about her temporary attire and blushed slightly. "Right, I forgot. Thank you, detective."

"You can call me Olivia or Liv. I use detective when I'm around bad guys. It's more intimidating that way." she grinned and placed a soft hand on Amanda's lower back, letting her know she was there if needed.

The car ride was uncomfortably silent but Amanda was greatful for it because she didn't have to speak. Her eyes felt like led tey were so heavy an she couldn't keep her head up. It constantly bobbed around which caused her neck to hurt. Eventually she relaxed and leaned back in the passanger seat and placed her head against the headrest. As she felt her body relax she could also feel the pain from her aching muscles and injuries as the adrenaline left her body. She whimpered as Liv slowly drove across a speed bump.

"I'm sorry." Liv said apologetically, showing concern on her face. "Almost there."

The car finally came to a stop in front of a fancy looking condo on the upper east side. Liv was quick to exit the vehicle and hastily made her way around to give Amanda a hand. The blonde forced her body to cooperate and with Liv's help she got out, her whole being crying in pain.

Olivia knew that face all too well and decided to see the blonde at least to the door. "Lean on me, I've got you." she said soothingly and felt Amanda's light weight lean into her side. Reaching the door, the tired blonde fished her keys out of her purse and shakily battled with the lock. "Easy." Liv soothed and placed a steady hand on Amanda's shaky ones and the lock opened.

"Thank you for... well, for everything." suddenly she remembered wearing Olivia's coat and carefully shrugged it off. "Thanks for lending me your coat." Liv just smiled, nodded and put it back on to keep the chill out. "Um, listen," the blonde began, "I was wondering if we maybe could keep this low key? I mean, I don't want any unnecessary publicity or accusations. I just don't want people to find out."

Nodding in confirmation Liv spoke gently. "We always try our best in delicate situations like these but, you must understand, if this is going to trail then people will eventually find out."

"Trail?" Amanda gasped, "I don't understand... I... he did this to me. Do you think I'm lying?" she spat, anger clearly rising within.

"No no, of course not." Liv tried to calm her down. "We have plenty of evidence to show what he did to you. I'm just saying that no matter how cut and dry some cases and situations appear to be, they can always be very unpredictable." Amanda ran her hand through her toussled locks in desperation. Liv sighed and lowered her head so she could look into her eyes. "Let's just take this one step at a time. Why don't you just try to get some rest. Here," Liv dug into her coat pocket and retrieved her card. "Call me if there's anything you need, no matter what time. My cellphone number is at the back."

"What about my statement? Don't I have to come by the station?" Amanda wondered. Her head and body was screaming for sleep and a shower and all she wanted to do was to lay down in a warm bath and forget about everything.

Liv glanced at her watch. It was just past noon. "Why don't I come back later this afternoon, around six and I can take your statement then?"

The blonde closed her eyes and swallowed. "Okay. Thank you and... Sorry, for snapping at you."

The older woman smiled and placed a hand on Amanda's upper arm in a soothing manner. "Hey, don't apologize, it's okay. Just get some rest and I'll be back later on."

She headed back towards the precinct her mind working on overdrive. How can a father do this to his own daughter? What or who had shaped and molded this horrible man to do such a thing? Some people say that blood is thicker than water but sometimes you're better off just sticking with the water.

Walking back into the bullpen, she spotted Nick, Fin and Munch by their desks with grim looking faces. "Who died?" Liv asked as she approached the trio.

Nick spoke first. "We did some digging on this Frank Jr Rollins. Turns out that he's the second generation to the family business in culinary art. Frank Sr Rollins opened his first restaurant in 1946, married Elenor Platt the following year, had Frank Jr shortly after. Frank Jr opened his first restaurant in 1972, married June Arch in 1977 and had their one and only child Amanda Rollins in 1978, before June passed away due to cancer. Amanda owns two restaurants, one here in the city, which have earned two Michelin stars, and another one in West Hollywood and business seems to be booming."

Liv glanced at the big screen on the wall where all the information was written down as well as pictures of family members and photos of their restaurants. "Okay," she sighed, "is Frank Sr still alive?"

"No, he passe away about five years ago, also due to cancer." Fin stepped in. "But that's not all boss." he handed Olivia a file and she immediately opened it. There as a picture of a blonde teenage girl with blue eyes and fair skin. It was Amanda. "We came across an old report from 1992. It appears that this wasn't the first time that Frank Jr made inappropriate advances towards his daughter."

Liv frowned as she read the police report that Amanda had filed when she was only fourteen. How long had this been going on? Has he been raping her ever since? Why wasn't anything done about it hen she desperately screamed for help as a child? Anger kicked in as she slammed the folder onto Nick's desk. "Where's Frank Jr now? Did you manage to locate him?" she demanded, her voice stern and low.

"Um," Nick mumbled, "that's another problem, sarge. We tried his restaurant then his house and found this." he gave Olivia his phone so she could look at the photos he had taken.

The sergeant's body went ice cold and her heart began to beat rapidly at the pictures she was seeing. A whole wall covered in pictures of Amanda. Pictures of her going to work, coming home, pictures of her doing grocery shopping, having drinks with friends and pictures of her, taken from the outside, just wearing her underwear. "The bastard have been following her?" she whispered.

Suddenly a chill passed through her whole body and a sickening feeling came over her. "We need to get to Amanda's place right now before it's too late."


	3. Chapter 3

Fix You Chapter 3

Frank Jr Rollins was his father's son. Selfish, disruptive, violent and simply evil. He grew up walking in his father's foorsteps and trained in to the family business from a very early age. He witnessed his father beating his mother, berating her until there was nothing left except a shell. He was brought up with tough love and discipline, punishment when earned and constant supervision of his father.

As he grew up he had literally turn into the old man himself. He was hoping for a son when he married June but to his disappointment a daughter was brought into the world and the only heir to the business. It was against his belief to have a woman run the restaurant and when June passed away and all his chances of having a son vanished he took it out on Amanda.

Regular beatings and lashings were a part of Amanda's upbringing and since her mother had died there was nobody else who could look after her. When she had had enough she filed a report with the police but nobody believed her since her family was considered high ranked and respectable. She was sent back home to face the abuse, both sexual, physical and mental. She was trapped until she turned eighteen and was legally an adult. Got a job, went to college and got her own place but it was never enough. Her father always found her, keeping an eye on her, making sure she knew her place and doing everything in his power to sabotage her plans and life. She had moved so many times, changed the locks, got an alarm system installed but he always foumd her, one way or another.

It had been a few years since she had seen him last and she was beginning to think that he had finally given up or even died. Looking at the man, her so called father, she knew she had been fooling herself all along. He snarled at her, grinning from ear to ear making his yellowish teeth look like daggers in the dim lit room. Beads of sweat appeared on his upper lip and forehead, glistening in the dull light and his breath was stale and smelled of cigars.

He traced a dirty finger along her collarbone and let out a raspy moan. "Thought you could get away did you?"

The grin and the smell made her sick to her stomach. She lowered her head to avoid looking at the evil man as she felt fear creeping up. Her hand and feet were duct taped together and so was her mouth. He had been waiting for her inside her bedroom, looking proud of himself as Amanda whimpered and shook in fear.

"Oh, Amanda," he snarled and pulled out a pocket knife and began playing with it like it was a toy. "I've been looking for you. Why move to so many different places? Don't you know by now that I will always find you? You're my daughter, Amanda. We're family and family stick together right?"

If looks could kill, the man in front of her would be dead long ago. She couldn't speak, nonetheless open her mouth to try and defend herself. His words almost made her vomit. Family!

"You think you're so smart and above everyone else just because your restaurant got nominated for some stupid star. We both know it won't last. You better sign it over to me before you destroy it all. Women are not fit to run their own business. You're a disgrace to the family name. If you sign it over to me I will forgive you for everything you've done to me. Hm, what do you say? No hard feelings."

He stepped closer, twirling the knife between short and stubby fingers and squatted down before the blonde who was sitting on the edge of her bed. "Oh sorry, you can't answer me with all tbat tape around your face. Let me take that off for you." he grinned and ripped the thick black strip from her mouth. The searing pain that came with it didn't go unnoticed by Frank and he chuckled. "Did I hurt you? Sorry, darling. Now, what do you think about my offer, ugh?"

Amanda took a deep shuddering breath and looked him dead in the eye. "Fuck you!" she spat and felt anger, pure rage, streaming through her veins. She expected a physical punishment for talking back but instead he laughed out loud. An evil snarl that echoed through the room, bouncing from wall to wall before settling.

"I was hoping we could settle this man to man but since you ain't got no balls, even though you've got a nice pair of tits, I'm gonna have to kill ya."

Her eyes made contact with the small silvery blade as he brought it up in the air, getting ready for slaughter. Closing her eyes she hoped for a miracle and she silently said a prayer even though she wasn't religious in any way. Tears were heavily streaming down her flushed face as she waited for the pain to come. It never did.

Instead a loud bang could be heard from somewhere behind him and she felt a warm sticky substance coating her face and neck. Then silence. Only her breathing could be heard as it was deeply laboured. Opening her eyes she saw her father laying motionless on the bedroom floor, blood pooling around his body and his eyes still open. He was dead. As dead as a door nail. He couldn't hurt her now. She was finally free.

The next thing she became aware of was a pair of warm gentle hands rubbing her arms up and down. It was Olivia. Was it six o'clock already? Why was she here? What the fuck just happened and what are all these people doing in my house? She looked into Olivia's brown concerned eyes in disbelief, like everything that had just happened was just a dream or something she vividly created in her own mind. Was this real?

"Amanda?" Liv spoke gently as to not scare the already frightened woman. "Amanda? Did he hurt you? Are you okay?"

Her questions all came unanswered and she decided that going to the hospital would be a good idea but as soon as Amanda heard the word hospital she somehow snapped back into reality. "No," she said in a whisper, looking into space in an apathetic manner. "I'm... I'm... I'm good." she stuttered, her breathing still erratic. "I'm good." she repeated.

Olivia had already gotten Amanda free from her ties and was now trying to determine if there was any new injuries or any indication that she needed medical care. Besides a nasty bruise forming around her cheekbone there were no other new cuts or wouds to worry about.

The guys had already rang CSU and an ambulance while Olivia was trying to bring Amanda out of the room, away from the scene. They got into the kitchen and Liv poured the shaking blonde a glass of water and sat her down on a chair. "Amanda, did he do anything to you? Did he..."

Amanda shook her head. "No. No, he didn't get the chance to." she took a few sips of water and felt it sooth her throat. "He found me." she whispered into space. "He found me again."

The brunette pulled up a chair next to her and sat down. "Amanda, we did some digging into your family history and I am so sorry for what you've been going through all these years." brown eyes searched for blue but Amanda's were flickering around the room, uncomfortable about not knowing how much they knew about her childhood and her father.

"We found your old case file and the report you filed all these years ago and I'm so sorry that no one believed you then. I wish I could've been there then cause I know I would've believed you." the blonde still didn't answer, not really knowing what to say. She just nodded her head and wrapped her arms around herself trying to keep warm. Liv noticed the goosebumps on her arms and saw a blanket hanging over the backrest of the couch a few feet away. She was quick to cover up the trembling blonde and received a faint smile as a thank you.

"Is there anyone you'd like me to call for you? A friend perhaps? Is there anyplace else you can go?" Amanda looked confused. "You can't stay here, honey. This place is a crime scene right now so is there anywhere I can take you?"

Biting her lower lip, thinking about where she could go, she never came up with an answer because she didn't have anywhere else to go. Shaking her head she took another swallow of her water. "No, there's no one." she mumbled, her voice slightly raspy.

"Okay." Liv responded, contemplating what to do next. "Listen, why don't you pack a bag with some clothes and stuff that you need, come back to the precinct with us, you can get some rest in the cribs and later on, if you feel up to it, I'll take your statement. After that we'll see about putting you up in a hotel while your place is being processed. How does that sound?"

All Amanda cared about was to have a shower and go to sleep. Packing a bag seemed like a tremendous task but she stood up anyway and headed back into her bedroom, trying not to look at the body laying dead on her walnut hardwood floor.


	4. Chapter 4

Fix You Chapter 4

Amanda woke suddenly in a cold sweat, sat straight up and glanced around the room. She was safe. It was only a dream, a nightmare. She was safe. She was safe. Looking at the time she realised that it was nearly seven pm. Her hair was damp from her shower earlier and she shivered from the cool air in the room. The bed was comfortable enough, a bit squeaky but otherwise okay. It was dark outside and the only light seeping into the room came from the streetlamps outside.

She layed back down, trying to calm her breathing. Just a nightmare. You're safe. You're safe. Eventually she relaxed some and stretched, gasping as the pain in her limbs and face made itself known. She remembered packing a bottle of painkillers and slowly turned to her side to reach her purse. A glass of water had already been placed on the locker next to the bed by Olivia. She popped two and sat back down on the edge of the bed feeling the cold creeping up from the floor. She brought her legs back up, being cautious of her ankle and wrapped the blanket around her shoulders.

She sat there, thinking about everything that took place just a few hours ago. Trying to process it proved to be difficult. So much had happened and she didn't even know if she believed it yet. She was still tired. Exhausted, but afraid to go back to sleep in case of another nightmare about the old man. He was dead. He was dead, right?

She jumped as she heard the door open. "Easy, it's just me, Olivia." she slowly made her way to where the blonde was sitting and sat down on the bed opposite to hers. "Sleep okay?" she asked gently and tilted her head to the side.

Amanda just swallowed, trying to get rid of the lump that had been forming in her throat, and nodded. "Yeah, thanks." she muttered, not saying anything about the dream. Glancing down she spotted a notepad in the brunette's hands.

Liv knew what she was looking at and decided to break this gently to her. "I was thinking that instead of me asking you questions you could write down everything that has happened. Since it first started until this day. Get everything off your chest. I think it would be easier for you instead of me trying to dig into your past." she kept her tone soft and low as she handed the blonde the notepad and a pen.

Amanda reached for it, just staring at the brilliant white blank sheet. "I thought you said you knew about my past already."

Liv leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees. "I only know what happened in general. I need you to write it down in your own words, everything he did to you. I know it's hard, trust me, but it's the best thing for you."

Blue met concerned brown. "What's the point? He's dead. He can't hurt me anymore. There's no need to bring all this up again."

Sighing, Liv shifted. "I know it may seem poinless now but it all needs to go into your file." she gently urged, hating this part of her job.

"And what if I refuse? What if I decide not to press charges? It's not like he's being sent to prison, I mean he's fucking dead."

The detective could hear the anger building in her voice. "I'm afraid that's not the case. Almost my entire squad saw what happened and it's our job to make sure all the paperwork is up to date and we can't just ignore what we saw or what you've experienced." she looked at the blonde who again was staring at an empty sheet of paper. "Can I get you anything? Are you hungry?"

"Um, a coffee would be great, thanks." the blonde muttered and began to fidget with the pen in her hand.

As Liv left the room she was still staring at the page, contemplating what to write, where to start and how to put it into words. When the brunette came back a few minutes later, she still hadn't written a word. "I don't know if I can do this. Where do I start?"

Liv's heart was breaking for the blonde and she handed her he coffee and sat down again. "I know you can do this, Amanda. I know you don't feel it now but I promise you that things will get easier once you've got your story down. Trust me on this. I'll leave you alone and I'll check on you in a bit, okay?"

Amanda got as comfortable as she could and reluctantly nodded. The brunette exited and closed the door gently, leaving the blonde to her thoughts and feelings to put it down on paper. She began to write. Slowly at first, making sure her words were correctly placed and correspond with what she was feeling. After a few sentences her hand sped up and, without ealising it, she was scribbling down everything that came to her mind, almost like her hand was on autopilot.

As she wrote all the feelings, memories and experiences flooded before her eyes but she kept on writing. It didn't take long before she was finished and she let out a deep breath and put the notepad away, not wanting to look at it anymore. The tears began to slip and she angrily brushed then away but to no vail. Her body shook from the effort of not wanting to cry and it made everything worse and her chest tightened. Trying to take a deep breath she leaned her head upards and closed her eyes, willing the tears away. It still didn't work and she gave up.

Shuddering from strangled sobs she finally broke and the pain in her ribs screamed. Her back was towards the door and she was too distressed to even hear Liv entering the room.

As soon as the detective opened the door she felt that something was up and when she heard the sniffles and sobs coming from the woman sitting on the bed, she swallowed and took a deep breath, feeling so sad for this woman and what she had been through.

Amanda hid her face in her hands and cried, not caring about the physical pain anymore. When she felt the bed dip she immediately dried her damp face and apologized. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to get all emotional. I... I... I just... I didn't... I..."

"Hey, it's okay. You don't have to apologize for your feelings." she gently place an arm around quivering shoulders and pulled her in close. "Come here."

Amanda didn't protest as she felt Liv's arms encircling her. Nobody had ever held her like this before. Nobody had ever bothered or wanted to hold her in the past. She didn't really know what to do with her emotions as they bubbled up and Olivia's warm embrace felt so good in this moment. Hating herself for it, she couldn't help but to burrow her face in the crock of her neck and just let the tear flow, her body shaking from raw emotions, feelings and thoughts.

Liv shifted slightly to get a better angle so she could offer more comfort and calm to the sobbing blonde. She could feel her own eyes beginning to tear up as she felt the petite frame shaking from violent sobs and hiccups. "Shhh. It's okay, honey. It's okay." she soothed and stroked the blonde tresses. "You're gonna be okay, sweetie."

Minutes passed and Amanda had almost fallen asleep in the soothing embrace. She didn't care if this was unprofessional and inappropriate. She needed this. She needed too feel some kind of physical comfort and tenderness. It felt good to be held. So good she never wanted it to end and Olivia smelled so nice. The scent had a calming effect on her and she scooted even closer, desperate for contact. Liv's contact.

Olivia had always had a soft spot for crying women and children and this was no different. There was something about this woman that she couldn't put her finger on. It was like she fit perfectly in her arms, like they were molded together and she got an overwhelmimg need to protect her and make sure she got through this horrible ordeal. She glanced down at the notebook and saw teardrops on the written sheets. Sighing Olivia rubbed her back soothingly before she slowly pulled away, meeting tired and sad blue pools.

"I have arranged a hotel room for you for a couple of nights until your place has been completely processed. I can take you there now if you'd like? These beds are not very comfortable. I've slept on them too many times for my bone's liking." she tried to lighten the mood a bit and offered her a slight smile.

Amanda smiled in returned. A smile that was barely visible but Liv saw the faint tug in the corner of her mouth. "Thank you." she replied softly and dried her eyes and cheeks with the sleeve of her jumper.

The brunette checked her in as Amanda was too self cautious about her bruises and cuts she tried to hide behind huge sun glasses and a scarf. Liv followed her to her room and slid the card key in making the door unlock. The room was nice and cozy. A double bed, a locker, a wardrobe, a chest of drawers, a small desk and a tv. The bathroom had a sink, a toilet and a bath. Amanda placed her bag on the bed and sighed tiredly.

"Thank you, Olivia. For everything you've done and I'm... I'm sorry for... you know... earlier, for... breaking down on you like that. It was unprofessional."

Liv frowned at the unnecessary apology and took a step closer to the blonde. "You don't have to apologize, Amanda. I'm here to help you and, if I was able to offer you some kind of comfort, then I'm glad I was there." Olivia spoke gently, almost motherly so. "You still have my card, right?" the blonde bobbed her head. "Like I said before, you can call me anytime, day or night, okay? If there's anything you need or something you want to talk about, I'm here. I'll check in on you tomorow afternoon to see how you're doing. Oh, and I ordered you some room service. I know it's quite late and you probably don't have much of an appetite but it's just vegetable soup and bread rools. Everything is paid for so don't worry about anything, okay? Just try to eat something and get some rest."

Amanda whished she was in that warm nurturing embrace again but pushed her thoughts away. She fought against tears again and found herself embarrassed and wanted Liv out the door as quickly as possible before she could notice.

"Thank you again, Olivia."


	5. Chapter 5

Fix You Chapter 5

"Fin, take Carisi with you and head to Hudson University, please. A male student claims he was raped by two other guys at a frat party last night. Figured he would be more comfortable talking to a male detective. Keep me in the loop." they quickly headed out the door, talking about the soccer game last night.

"Nick, would you please contact CSU and see how they're doing with Aman... I mean, Miss Rollins place? Let me know as soon as possible." Nick instantly lifted his reciever from his desk and dialed the number from memory.

Liv glanced at the time. It was almost noon and she could feel herself getting inpatient, wanting to know how Amanda was doing. Then she caught herself thinking about her for the hundredth time that day. Get a grip, she told herself, sat down in her office chair and opened her laptop. Looking at the pile of files beside her that needed attention, she sighed and stretched her long legs underneath the desk. Pursing her lips thinking, she instead found herself googling Amanda Rollins to see what would pop up.

Pictures of her family, if you could call then that, their restaurants, their success and wealth but there was nothing about Amanda before she opened up her own restaurant. She was obviously kept 'hidden' from the family business because she was a girl and didn't want her to paint their happiness black. Liv just shook her head in disgust, thinking how he could treat his own daughter the way he did.

She clicked on google images and loads of photos of the blonde haired beauty played before her eyes. She looked happy in most pictures but the smiles she posed never reached her eyes. Liv knew why. If she had been looking at these photos a couple of days ago, she would've been completely oblivious as to what Amanda was and had been going through. Now she knew.

One picture caught her attention and Liv could feel her stomach flutter. It was a picture taken from a distance of Amanda kissing another woman. Olivia couldn't tell who she was or what she looked like except that she was a redhead and quite tall. Girlfriend perhaps? Altough, she didn't mention anything about having a partner. Matbe they're just friends... with benefits, Liv thought and felt a faint twinge in her chest and realised she was jealous. Come on, Benson. You don't even know the woman. Taking a deep breath she clicked the cross at the top right corner of the screen and turned her attention towards her actual work.

Amanda had been awake since around ten am. Her body and mind tired and sore from an uneasy sleep filled with nightmares. She had woken up at one stage, just after midnight, after a particularly vivid dream. Her heart was pounding, body sweating and her throat sore from screaming. It was a miracle that nobody had rang the reception to complain about the noise. She had been sitting up, propped up against the headboard, for a long time staring at Olivia's card in her hands, looking at her cellphone number for so long she had memorized it. Eventually she slid back down under the covers determined not to call Olivia and burden her in the middle of the night.

Liv must've forgotten to mention that she had ordered breakfast as well since a huge stack of pancakes with maple syrup and peacan nuts, orange juice, toast and coffee had been delivered. Looking at the delicious food she heard her stomach rumble. Must be hungry after all, she thought and dug into the pancakes. It was delicious. She was surprised at how hungry she was and a few minutes later, most of it was already eaten. When she was finished she sat down on the bed, thinking about what to do next. She didn't want to go back to her own place considering what had happened there. She would have to move... again. There was no way she could go back and continue to live in that place. The memories would cripple her.

She had packed her laptop and began searching for condos for sale. Money wasn't a problem and she liked the area she was living in now even though the prizes were sky high. There was nothing out there. Not one single condo. Sighing, she turned it off and placed it on the bed next to her.

Suddenly a wave of nausea hit her and she bolted to the bathroom. The pancakes she had eaten only minutes before was now looking at her but in another shape and form. Taking a good look at herself in the mirror she was disguised by what she saw. The cuts and bruises looked even angrier today, she had dark circles under her eyes, her skin looked ghostly white, sickly so, and her hair was toussled and lifeless.

As she stood there, studying her features, a shiver ran down her spine. She could still feel him, hear him, smell him, taste him, see him. All her senses were suddenly filled with everything that her father was. She got undressed. Quickly. She needed a shower and she needed it now. She stepped right in and made sure the water was scalding hot so she could wash him away. The pain was welcomed. It distracted her from her thoughts and emotions. Her legs were shaky but strong enough to hold her weight as she stood in the middle of the cubicle, letting the powerful spray of water hit her now burning skin. Relief.

Forty minutes she stood there. Forty long minutes of just the sound of splashing water and laboured breathing. The hot water had run out and it was now freezing cold. Her skin was pruning and the oxygen level in the room was decreasing. Not until she began to feel faint, did she exit and opened the door to her bedroom, steam bursting through the air and evaporating quickly. She was glad that the mirror was fogged up. The thought of seeing herself again was unpleasant and daunting.

She was still tired. So, so tired, and seeing the bed looking warm and welcoming, she couldn't help but to crawl back down under the covers wearing a thick robe belonging to the hotel. Just a quick nap, she thought. Her eyes got heavy and, in the matter of seconds, she fell asleep.

A loud knock woke her up and by the heaviness of her eyelids it felt like she just slept for a matter of minutes. Glancing at her phone she was surprised to see that it was almost five pm. She had slept for hours and she still felt like a zombie. The knock came again, a bit stronger this time. Was it room service again? No, it couldn't be.

"Amanda, it's detective Benson. Can you open up for me?"

She sighed in relief at the calming voice. Crawling out of bed she tried to fix her hair to look somewhat presentable but going to bed with wet hair is never a good idea. She looked awful. Quickly she pulled it into a high messy bun before welcoming Olivia inside. "Um, sorry I... um, I kind of dozed off for a while."

Olivia gave her a soothing smile. "It's okay. I'm glad you got some sleep. How are you feeling?" her brown eyes scanned the woman in front of her. She could tell by the look of her face that she probably hadn't slept an awful lot the night before.

Amanda shrugged nervously. "Tired." she simply stated and began to fidget with the string of the robe and sat down on the bed, suddenly feeling very uncomfortable and on edge.

"I've got some good news." Liv said as she took a few steps closer to where Amanda was seated. "CSU will be done with your place by tomorrow morning so you can go back home."

Amanda didn't know what to say and Olivia didn't know how to take the silence. Walking over to the blonde she sat down next to her, not too close but not too far away. "Amanda?" she questioned.

"I can't go back there." her voice was barely a whisper. "Not after what happened. I've looked for condos online but there's nothing out there at the moment." her eyes finally met Liv's. "I think I'm gonna stay here until I find something else. Obviously on my own expense." she quickly added.

The brunette pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side, studying the skittish blonde. "I understand that." she said after a few seconds of silence. "I don't blame you for not going back there. I don't know if I would be able to if I was in your shoes."

Liv turned her head slightly and something caught her eye. On the nightstand she saw her card that she had previously given to the bonde and by the looks of it, it looked like it had been man handled. It was slightly wrinkly, the corners were folded in all sorts of directions and small parts of it looked like it had been wet and then dried. That's when a sinking feeling settled in her stomach. Amanda had obviously been upset, holding onto her card, probably contemplating whether to call her or not. The darker little cicles could only been explained as dried tears. Her heart went out to the frail looking woman and she just wanted to hold her for a while but knew that it wouldn't be right.

Moving on to a different topic altogether, Liv suggested to get dinner through room service since she knew Amanda wouldn't be comfortable showing her battered face in puplic yet. They ordered their meals and while waiting Amanda made herself a bit more presentable. She was nervous about the meal. Was it going to be a repeat of this morning? Was it gonna come back up? She didn't want Liv to be around if that happened. It was already embarrassing enough that she felt so weak and fragile, battered and bruised, self conscious and scared. Pathetic.


	6. Chapter 6

Fix You Chapter 6

Amanda picked at her food, spreading it around the plate so it looked like she was eating even though she knew Olivia wasn't easily fooled. She had taken a few bites but when the nausea became too much she had to stop.

Liv took a sip of her water and glanced at the still full plate the blonde had in front of her. "I know the food is probably not Michelin star but it's edible." a smile tugged at her lips.

Amanda planted a fake smile on her face and pushed the plate aside. "The food is nice, I'm just not that hungry I guess. I had a big breakfast. Thank you, by the way, for ordering pancakes. It's one of my favourites." she added shyly and sipped her sparkling water.

The brunette wiped her mouth and leaned back into the chair. "You're welcome." a silence filled the room and Liv had a hard time taking her eyes off the blonde. Even in her current physical state she was stunning and she could only imagine the beauty she held underneath it all. She looked drained, exhausted, pale and defeated and Olivia found herself wanting to make everything better, make everything okay, to take away her pain.

"So," Liv finally broke the silence, "do you need to bring some more stuff over from your place? I can take you if you want?"

The blonde looked up from her plate, frowning slightly. "Why? I mean, why would you do that? I assume that that's not in your job description." Amanda didn't want to sound mean or disrespectful but she had a hard time figuring out why Olivia seemed so accommodating.

The brunette just gave her a soft smile. "Sometimes, an act of kindness can do a miraculous difference for someone. I'm no saint but I do believe that there's good in all of us and that karma is everywhere."

"So you're offering me a ride for selfish reasons then? So you won't be, somehow, punished in the future if you don't?" Amanda said jokingly, swallowing the last of her water.

Liv threw her head back and laughed, flashing a perfect set of teeth. "You got me." she chuckled. "And here I thought I was suttle about it."

Amanda smiled and felt herself starting to blush. Afraid to maintain eye contact she dipped her head and stared at her plate, now full of cold sea bass with garlic baby potato and asparagus.

While Amanda tried to cover up the bruises to the best of her abilities with make up, Olivia stepped outside to make a phone call. She wanted to help the blonde in any way possible and an idea had popped into her head during dinner. Amanda just came out of the bathroom as Liv stepped back inside. "Um, there's something I want to run by you. Why don't we sit down?" Liv gestured towards the edge of the bed, sat down and watched the confused blonde take a seat about two feet away from her. Seeing Amanda's scared features, like she was preparing for fight or flight, Liv smiled soothingly. "Relax, it's nothing bad. In fact, I might have a place for you to stay. A condo, Upper East Side, free of charge, well, except for the bills."

Amanda just stared at her in disbelief and raised her eyebrows in doubt. Was this too good to be true? What's the catch? There's always a catch, right? "How? I mean... what?"

Olivia had to smile at the adorable face Amanda was pulling. The look of doubt, confusion, hope, curiosity and excitement all passed through her facial featured in the matter of a couple of seconds. The brunette fought against the urge to caress her cheek gently, just to ease her fears a little bit. "I have a friend." Olivia began, "she actually use to be our ADA where I work. She has a condo on the Upper East Side that she's not using. She said you're more than welcome to stay there until you find something else."

"Is this the karma stuff you've been talking about?"

Chuckling Liv just shook her head. "Call it whatever you like. You've got a beautiful condo, free of charge with a mini bar inside, Jacuzzi and a sauna in an extension out the back and a swimming pool. What more could a girl want?"

Amanda still couldn't believe her luck, or karma or whatever the hell this was? Liv saw the doubt and reluctance playing on her face. "Look, her name is Alexandra Cabot. She owns the place but it's fully paid for. She moved to Congo a while back to help women, victims of sexual abuse, down there and to give them some justice. She'll be gone for at least a couple of years. She doesn't mind you staying there as long as you keep it clean and maintain it."

Taking a deep breath the blonde thought about it for a minute before deciding that it would probably be a good idea to take Liv, or Alex, up on the offer. "Okay."

When Liv pulled up in front of her house, Amanda instantly became nervous and on edge. She was afraid to go in, afraid that she would relive everything that happened, afraid of breaking down or making a fool out of herself in front of Olivia. It was like the brunette read her thoughts and she relaxed slightly ass he felt a warm hand on her lower back for support. As they entered, Amanda tried to not think about anything that happened and just get out of there as quickly as possible. Planning on hiring a moving van later on, to put her furniture into storage, she only grabbed the necessities.

Before Amanda could enter the bedroom, Liv took a quick glance inside and spotted the massive pool of blood that belonged to Frank. She never thought about it until now and she didn't want Amanda to see it. As sthe blonde came up behind her she turned, blocked her view and placed her hands on her upper arms. "Um, if you want you can just tell me what you need from in here and I can get it for you. It's um... it's not... it's not a pretty sight in there right now."

Blue eyes looked deeply into hers and Olivia lost herself in them for awhile before snapping back into reality when Amanda spoke. "It's okay. I can do it." she said after taking a deep breath. Liv relucantly nodded and let go of the slender arms.

As the detective took a step to the side, Amanda faced the gory scene. Everything was as it had been when she left. Her bed unmade, a few tops thrown on top of it, her wardrobe open. Everything was the same. Everything, except the blood. The blood didn't look like blood anymore. It was almost black in colour and dry cracked, a more resemblance to tar than blood. It made her sick to her stomach to look at it but she forced her gace away and began shoving clothes and other things she needed into a carrier bag. She didn't want to stay one second longer than necessary. In and out. Quick and efficient.

Liv offered to carry the bag out to the car as Amanda began to fill another one. When she got back inside the blonde was just finishing up. "I'm ready." she said quickly and passed Liv out in the doorway where she was waiting. Olivia followed suit and watched her haul the bag into the trunk of the car and closing it. "Um, I just have to put my key under the flower pot for the moving company and the cleaner so they can get in."

As she headed back to the front door she began to feel nauseous. Oh, god! She thought. Not in front of Olivia. She swallowed at the bile that started to force itself up her throat and she quickly slipped the key under the pot. As she stood up the world began to spin and she could feel her eyes begin to roll. Olivia was quick to act as usual and darted to her side, gently holding on to her elbow in concern. "You okay?"

Amanda closed her eyes and took a deep breath, relieved that the nausea was easing up. "Um, yeah. I think I just stood up too quickly." she became aware of Liv's presence and her warm touch. "Thank you." she said, looking into brown orbs.

"No problem." the brunette replied softly and fought against the urge to brush blonde tresses away from her slightly flushed face. "Just lean on me and take your time."

The condo was beautiful, spacious and bright. It was mostly open plan which made the place look even bigger and brighter. Everything had a modern touch to it, much to Amanda's liking, and she realised that herself and this Alex person had pretty much the same taste when it came to interior design. There were doule glass doors leading out to the porch area and the backyard from the kitchen and Amanda smiled when she saw the big swimming pool and how the water glistened in the evening sun. She knew she would like it here.

"Do you need help with anything before I go?" Liv asked, interrupting the blonde from her thoughts.

"I'll be okay, thanks." she responded softly. "Look, I um... I... I just want to thank you for doing this for me. I really appreciate it. You've done so much for me already. I... I don't know how to thank you."

Liv smiled and placed a hand on her lower arm for comfort. "My pleasure. Let me know if there's anything you need, okay? Amanda nodded, not trusting her voice after the brief physical contact.


	7. Chapter 7

Fix You Chapter 7

Amanda ran. She was running. Running for her life and running from a monster behind her. Her chest heaved as she sprinted down a narrow trail through a dense forest towards a small haunting looking pond. She didn't look back. Didn't have to. She knew he was there, his breath and his grabbing hands were reminding her of how close he was of catching her. There were nowhere else to go except into the water. The dark eerie water that seemed to swallow her whole just by looking at it.

She broke the surface. It got dark, almost black, and quiet. So so quiet. For a second it was almost peaceful and calm and she temporarily forgot about why she was herein the first place. Swim, she thought. I have to swim, get away, far away, go, swim. Her arms and legs began to flail rapidly but she was still in the same spot. She wasn't moving. She kicked harder, desperate to get away from the monster but the more she struggled the further down she sank. Down, down, down, towards the bottom.

The air in her lungs was quickly running out and she could feel her whole body burning from the need to take a deep breath and save herself from an agonizing death. Altough, they say that drowning is suppose to be a peaceful way to die but she wasn't ready. She wasn't ready to die. She didn't want to die. Not now, not like this. Eventualy she gave up her fight for air and willed her body still when suddenly two large monstrous hands wrapped around her ankles and pulled her down even further.

Gasping, she shot up from her bed, sitting with her hands on her chest, sweat pouring from her body and her lungs burned from the lack of air as they had been only a few seconds ago. A dream. It was just a dream. Just a dream, she repeated over and over again. He's not here, he's dead and he can't hurt you.

She got up and poured herself a glass of water which she greedily finished in just a few gulps. It was just after one am and she knew that she wasn't gonna get any more sleep. She turned the tv on for a bit of background noise, not really interested in what was showing, and paced around the big sittingroom. Suddenly she felt so alone and abandoned. She was scared, terrified really of being on her own but at the same time that was all she wanted. To be on her own.

Before she knew it tears began to wash away the sweat from her face and she felt dirty. Quickly she ran into the bathroom and turned the shower on at the lowest temperature. It was freezing but a pleasant contrast against her hot skin. When her body began to cool down she started to tremble from the cold but didn't move until the freezing water became too much. She dried herself off and wrapped herself up in her robe to keep her warm. She had five days left before going back to work. Although being the owner and the boss there was no one stopping her from going in early. She didn't know how she was going to last for another five days. She didn't know how to cope with being on her own for five days and five nights.

She sat back down on the bed, picked up her ipad and began looking at random stuff on you tube to keep herself busy and her mind occupied. It worked for a few minues until she realised that she couldn't fool herself any longer. Sighing, she brought up her google homepage and typed in Detective Olivia Benson Manhattan SVU. Loads came up. Pictures, articles, news papers, cases and more. As she scrolled through some of the personal facts about the brunette she spotted a section of how her coworkers would describe her as. Passionate, determined, bad ass, caring, nurturing and compassionate were only a few of the attributes that was written down. There was very little about Olivia's personal life, such as parents, single or not single, her childhood or where she grew up or where she was born. Just that she lived in NYC and was one of the best detectives at the 1-6 precinct.

Amanda found herself scrolling through all the pictures she could find of the beautiful detective and she couldn't help but to feel attracted to her. She was physically stunning in every single way and it seemed like the outside matched the inside as well. After looking through all the pictures she could find of Olivia she glanced at the time. It was almost four am. She had been on her ipad, drooling over Olivia Benson for nearly two hours.

Making herself a cup of coffee she debated with herself whether going in to work or not. Cooking had always been an escape for Amanda, as far back as she could remember, and now the need to escape was greater than ever. She also knew that if she decided to go she would be bombarded with questions about what had happened to her face and her slight limp. Was it worth it? What was she going to tell them? That she got attacked and raped by her own father? No, the truth was better of hidden away where people couldn't find it. Getting mugged was a better cover story. That would explain her bruising and akward walk. Yes, mugged it is, she decided and started to get herself ready.

Amanda spent nearly three hours on doing some light prep work, a couple of menu changes, some paperwork and was now preparing the parfait for the dessert menu when the door to the kitchen opened and the staff began to roll in. As she expected they were all horrified by her looks and wanted to know what had happened. She stuck to her mugging story and that she didn't want to sit at home on her ass and do nothing. She was relieved that everyone bought it but she also felt bad for lying to her staff. They were her friends. Some more than others but still friends nonetheless.

As the day went by she couldn't get Olivia out of her mind no matter how hard she tried. She wanted to see her again, to feel her arms around her again, to inhale her scent again and to hear her soothing alto voice. When would she see her again? Maybe she will call? No, why would she call me? Should I call her? No, what would I say? Um, hi, I just thought I'd give you a call so I can hear your voice and that I think you're extremely attractive. Yeah Rollins, smooth and tactful. Not.

Smiling, an idea popped in to her mind. She was going to invite Olivia and her coworkers for a free five course meal right here in her restaurant as a thank you. It was the only thing she could think of to see Olivia again. She was going to cook for them all. Quickly she grabbed the reservation book and booked the finest table, by the bay window facing the Hudson river, for five people on friday night. That was two days away so she had plenty of time to prepare. She called one of her trusted employees, Mags, to be her assistant for that night, knowing that she could count on her on doing a good job. It was all set up and now she only had to invite them.

Should I go into the precinct in person to invite them or should I ring? Maybe hand out a written invitation? Damn, why were things so compliated? Just fucking write a nice invitation card and hand it over to someone at the 1-6. Don't make things so hard for yourself, Amanda.

When she finished for the day she headed straight for the precinct to hand over the card. The place was buzzing with activity just like the last time she was there. She headed over to the information desk when a familiar voice called out to her.

"Amanda?"

It was Olivia. She knew that voice without putting a face to it. Her stomach immediately began to flutter and her palms started to sweat. Turning around she faced the beautiful detective who was casually dressed in black tight jeans, a dark blue blouse with a black blazer over it, a gun hanging of her hip next to her badge.

"Um, hi." she stuttered nervously and wiped her moist palms over her own dark jeans. "I um, I just wanted to give you this as a thank you for... everything you guys have done for me."

She handed Olivia the note and watched her facial expressions ad she read it. "Wow, Amanda! You didn't have to do this." Liv said, surprised at the generosity. "We'd all be honoured to be there. Thank you so much." she placed the note in her back pocket and turned her full attention on the blonde. "How are you doing?" she asked gently, tilting her head to the side in a way only Olivia could.

The gentle and concered eyes watcing her made Amanda almost tear up right there and then but she managed to keep herself composed. "I'm... I'm good. I'm okay."

Liv pursed her lips, not really buying it. "You look tired." she simply stated and took a step closer to the blonde. "You sleeping okay? I know from personal experience that the nightmares can be rough." her voice was low and understanding, like she really knew what she was talking about.

Amanda shoved her hands into her pockets and tried to avoid Olivia's burning eyes. "Um, yeah it's um... fine. I'm fine. Just a long day at work that's all."

Liv looked confused, certain that the blonde had mentioned earlier that she was off for the week. "I didn't realise you were back to work." she stated softly. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

"Yeah, I... I changed my mind that's all. Didn't wanna sit on my ass and do nothing." someone suddenly passed her out and accidentally brushed up against her shoulder. She flinched at the contact and immediately took a step closer to Liv who reassuringly placed a hand on her arm.

"It's okay." Liv soothed. "Would you like a cup of coffee or something? It's not the best but it's drinkable."

Amanda instantly shook her head, feeling anxiety beginning to kick in. "No thanks, I'm... Um, I'm gonna head. Um, it was nice to see you again and hopefully I'll see you all on friday evening." and with those words she was gone in a flash, leaving a confused and slightly concerned Olivia behind.


	8. Chapter 8

Fix You Chapter 8

Friday was finally here and Amanda was feeling nervous and tense. It had been a rough couple of days and nights without any sleep and she looked awful. Her bruises had faded significantly and the cuts were barely visible but she still looked horrible. Her usually pale skin was almost white with dark circles under her eyes creating a colour contrast. They would all be arriving in a couple of hours and Amanda circled their set table to make sure everything was in order. It was. Mags had done a great job helping out and she was going to reward her later on with an extra day off.

She gave herself a pat on the shoulder for bringing her make up with her so she wouldn't scare her guests away by her horrific exterior. Her foundation and highlighter hid the imperfections almost fully and when she was finished with the blusher, mascara and a bit of lipstick she was quite happy with the results. Like nothing had ever happened to her in the first place.

As an aperitif she had chosen a butternut quash and sweet potato soup with crispy bacon bits. For starters there was duck springroll with an orange glace, then a lemon sorbet to cleanse the pallet. The main course consisted of pan fried baltic herring with a rutic potato and parsnip puree with asparagus and sauce vierge. For the dessert she had decided on a chocolate and brandy mousse topped with creme chantilly, roasted pistachio nuts and a mint leaf. Then there was of course teas and coffees with a shortbread biscuit.

"They're here, chef!" Mags stated and smoothed out her apron with her hands.

Amanda let out a breath she didn't realise she was holding and nodded firmly. "Thanks Mags. I'm gonna go out and greet them all while you start plating up the aperitif. I'll be back in a minute." quickly she had one last look in the full length mirror in the locker room. Her black shoes had just been polished, her chef pants were perfectly ironed along with her crisp white shirt, with her name embroidered on her left breast pocket, her neck tie was neatly folded and tied around her slender neck and her tall white chef's hat was firmly placed on her head. She looked very proffesional and quite intimidating. "Okay, here it goes." she sighed and made her way out front house.

The restaurant was busy. It was always busy. Rich people in New York knew where to go for fine dining which pleased Amanda. As she walked down towards her destination, she could feel people turning their heads to get another look at the owner and head chef. She avoided making any eye contact with the people around her as she confidently strode down to the table where Olivia and her squad was situated. This was it. There was no turning back now.

"Good evening." she managed to utter. Five heads turned and looked straight at her but she only paid attention to the brown eyes closest to her. Olivia's eyes. Wow, she was stunning. The brunette wore a black fitted dress, fifties style, her shoulder length hair was softly curled, her make up flawless and black high heels to finish off the look. Simply perfection in Amanda's eyes.

"Miss Rollins," Munch happily chipped in, "I am honoured to be one of your guests in such a fine establishment. You should be proud of yourself, my dear."

Amanda could feel herself starting to blush and hoped that nobody took any notice of it. "Thank you detective. I'm here to wish you all a pleasant evening and to enjoy your meal." her never left Olivia's and she really had to force herself to look away.

Liv was having the exact same problem. The woman standing in front of her was not the woman she had met only a few days ago. This woman was confident, proffesional, stoic and assertive. Where did the other Amanda go? Was she hiding underneath all that tough exterior and layers of clothes? Was this the real Amanda? Was it all a show? Did she put on an act to pretend to be someone she's not? Or was this really Amanda, trying to get back to her old self? Olivia didn't know but, nonetheless, this woman in front of her was simply breath taking. She had only seen Amanda at her worst with no make up, bruises and cuts, messy hair and tracksuit bottoms. Even then she was beautiful but looking at her now, taking in the gracefullness and poise was almost too much for Liv.

"Amanda," the brunette finally chocked out, "thank you so much for having us. It's a pleasure to be here. You've done very well for yourself. I hope you are proud of what you have accomplished." the detective couldn't help but to reach out and place a hand on Amanda's arm.

The blonde felt the warmth from the physical contact and wanted to pull away but at the same time she needed and wanted to feel Olivia's touch. "I... I am. Thank you all for coming." she stuttered. "I'll leave you to your meal and, again, enjoy." she bowed slightly from the waist down, hands now tucked behind her back and she confidently made her exit.

Every time Mags came back with empty plates she found herself eager to get any kind of feedback. It was all good of course. They all seemed to love the food and almost every plate came back empty. It was a success. Amanda took any chance she got to steal glances towards the crowd and especially Olivia. She didn't realise she was smiling until Mags chuckled. "See something, or someone, you like chef?"

Amanda knew she was gay since as long as she could remember. She wasn't very open about it but if someone asked or if the topic came up in a conversation she wouldn't lie or make up stories and try to cover it up. All her employees knew she was gay. They had been working closely together for almost five years and she had a really good team going. Mags was one of the first to find out about Amanda's sexuality when the blonde had mentioned it in a drunken stupor.

Playfully she slapped her employee on the arm. "Shut up. I'm just... observing." she knew Mags wouldn't buy it.

"Whatever you say, boss. Whatever you say."

Amanda threw a raw baby potato at her, pleased when it hit the intended target. Mags just laughed and got back to her task and began cleaning up for the night. When the restaurant got quiet Amanda could feel how tired and drained she really was and how the stress over the last few days was taking a toll on her.

"Chef?" Mags interrupted her thoughts. "There's someone who wants to compliment the chef in person." she said and batted her eyelashes in a playfully manner.

Amanda, again, gave her a slap on the arm. "Go and annoy somebody else." knowing that her boss wasn't serious. Amanda walked into the empty restaurant and found Olivia standing just a few feet away with a soft smile on her face.

"That was absolutely amazing, Amanda. On the behalf of my squad, I thank you ever so kindly for having us. Everything was perfect. We all enjoyed it so so much. Maybe a little too much." she added, chuckling. "I'd say the majority of my squad will be completely useless tomorrow. Fin even had to unbotton his pants so he could fit more in."

Amanda laughed at that and to her own surprise it wasn't a fake laugh or a strangled one either, it was real and it felt good. "I'm glad you all liked it."

There was a silence. Neither woman knowing what to say or do. Amanda was the first one to speak. "Can I offer you a lift home? You're not driving are you?"

"God no! I'm a cop, I don't drink and drive. Altough I hardly drank anything. Someone has to be in their full state of mind tomorrow and I guess that would be me. I'll just take the sub."

Amanda took a step closer. "Don't be silly. Just give me five minutes to change and I'll be right out." before Liv could say anything else, Amanda had already disappeared.

The drive to Liv's apartment was relatively quiet and when she pulled up in front of her apartment block she realised that this was it. She would go back to hers and things would eventually go back to, somewhat, normal again without Olivia. Before Amanda could think any more of it, the brunette turned towards her and smiled gently. "Nightcap?"


	9. Chapter 9

Fix You Chapter 9

Olivia could tell that Amanda was nervous and a bit on edge, which made her want to take all her worries away. She looked tired. Maybe that was from a long day at work or due to lack of sleep in general. Nightmares was a usual occurrence after an attack and so was nervousness and constantly looking over your shoulder. Amanda seemed to be a classic case of all the above.

"Make yourself at home. I'm just gonna change into something more comfortable. I'll only be a minute." Olivia disappeared into her bedroom and left Amanda to her own devices.

She took the opportunity to look around the living room. It was quite big, huge windows for the sun to stream in through, the decor and colouring were very tasteful, simple and elegant. It was nice and cozy, warm and welcoming. Some things were scattered around the place which Amanda like. A few dishes in the sink, a couple of cardigans hanging over the back of a chair and magazines stacked in a pile on the coffee table. It showed that the place was lived in and made it more homey looking. Smiling she strolled her way over to the pile of magazines, intent to pick one up to read, when her eyes caught something else. A smaller stack of papers and, what looked like files, was laying spread out on the couch partly hidden by a blanket. Curiosity got the better of her when spotted a photograph peeking out from underneath. Stepping closer and taking a better look her body froze.

It was a photo of a woman all beat up, black and blue, cuts and what looked like burns covered her whole chest area, bruises on the inside of her thighs and angry welts and hand prints around her throat and neck. It was horrible, crippling and pure evil. What on earth caused people to do such horrible and disgusting things? Feeling her own memories creeping up, her heart began to beat wildly, she could feel the colour on her face drop immediately and her body went ridgid and cold. The woman in the picture looked the complete opposite from Amanda with almost jet black hair, larger frame and deep brown eyes. Yet, somehow, it felt like she was staring at herself, studying the injuries and read the emotions that were hidden in the woman's eyes.

As Liv came into the room, pulling her hair up into a loose ponytail, she spotted Amanda standing by the couch, head down, face white, obviously looking at something. "Amanda?" she gently called out, not wanting to startle the blonde. No response. "Amanda?" she tried again and cautiously made her way over to where she was standing and immediately saw what she was looking at and why she was frozen to the spot.

Fuck, she thought as she quickly scooped all the papers up and placed them back into a folder. Turning back towards the, temporarily paralyzed woman, Olivia brought her hand up and touched a ashen cheek. It was cold to the touch, almost like ice and she knew she was going into a minor shock. "Amanda honey, come on why don't we sit down for a minute? It's okay."

Amanda didn't, couldn't, cooperate and Liv had to manually push her down onto the sofa herself. She grabbed the blanket and tenderly wrapped it around the tense frame before gently taking ice cold hands into hers. "Amanda? Amanda honey, can you look at me?" Nothing. "Hey hey, sweeie, look at me please." Liv eventually had to turn Amanda's head towards herself to get any kind of eye contact. "It's okay, breath with me. In and out, come on, we can do this."

Amanda's breathing shortly returned to a normal rythm and the colour on her face had crept back up but she was still cold and hadn't said a word or even attempted to say anything at all. "Say something, honey, so I know you're okay?" Liv pleaded.

The blonde suddenly snapped out of her trance and looked Liv straight in the eye. "I have to go." she stuttered, "this was a bad idea... I can't do this." she started to stand up but Liv firmly held her down.

"I'm sorry you had to see that. I always bring files with me home so I can go over them in peace and quiet. I totally forgot that they were there and I'm so so sorry. Please, just... just try to calm down."

Amanda didn't or wasn't listening. She shook her head furiously her body beginning to tremble. "No, no. I have to go. This... I... I can't do this now... I have to go. I'm sorry." Quickly she stood up and literally ran out the door, leaving a slightly startled but vey concerned Olivia behind. Her first thought was to rush after the blonde, try to talk her into coming back inside, but then she realised that she probably needed some time for herself to think and to process her thougts. Deciding to check in on Amanda tomorrow morning, since she had taken the day off, would be a good idea. She went to bed, worried about what the blonde was thinking and what she might do in her fragile state.

Amanda didn't sleep that night. Every time she closed her eyes she saw the images of the woman in the photo all battered and bruised. Suddenly the picture would morph into herself and looking at her own self, black and blue, made her sick to her stomach in disgust. She nodded off from time to time but not longer than twenty minutes at a time before her body would jerk her awake in fear.

Olivia cracked one eye open but quickly closed it again after being assulted by the bright sunlight coming in to the room. She groaned and turned to her side, away from the window, and felt a headache slowly building. Thank god she wasn't on call today. Struggling to open one eye again, she glanced at the time, 8.37 am. Still quite early but the need of making sure Amanda was okay pulled her out of bed. She popped a couple of painkillers, had a refreshing shower, got dressed and put a very natural layer of make up on. She planned on getting breakfast on the way.

While driving she hoped that the blonde would be home and, of course, unharmed in any way. She was in luck and saw Amanda's car parked out the front. Quickly she grabbed the bag of take out, hurried to the door and gave it a few firm knocks. She could hear Amanda shuffling around inside before the door opened in a small gap. "Detective?" she stated, clearly shocked to see the brunette at her front door. She then opened the door fully for the older woman to step inside, not wanting to be rude and leave Olivia hanging.

Liv held the bag up and smiled softly. "I brought breakfast."

Amanda closed the door softly behind her and looked bewildered. "Why... I mean, what... are you doing here, detctive?" she wrapped her knitted cardigan around her body, feeling slightly self conscious.

Liv sighed and placed the bag on the coffee table. "I just wanted to see how you're doing. You left so abruptly last night and you were quite upset so I thought I'd stop by." she let her eyes wander over the small frame of the blonde, top to toe. It looked like she hadn't slept a wink and she probably hadn't eaten either.

Amanda shrugged and put on a fake smile. "I'm fine, jut a bit tired. You shouldn't have come all the way out here. I don't want to keep you from doing your job. I'm sure you're a busy woman." she said and chuckled nervously.

"Actually, I have the day off. Figured I might have a slight hangover from the delicious meal and wine we had last night. The perks of being the boss, uh?" the brunette joked and offered the uneasy blonde a gentle smile. "Wanna have breakfast with me? I got bagels and coffee?"

Amanda didn't know if she could stomach any food at the moment but decided to try some anyway. She didn't want Olivia to fuss and worry over it. They sat down and ate in silence. Amanda took small bites and shewed the filled bagel until it was only a much inside her mouth, making it easier for her to swallow it. Liv almost gulped down all her coffee at once, loving the bitter taste and smell as it filled her tastebus and nostrils. By the time Liv had finished hers, Amanda wasn't even half way through.

"Don't force it, Amanda. If you can't finish it then that's okay."

The blonde could hear by the tone of her voice that she was sincere. She placed the bagel back down with a look of shame on her face, like she was about to be punished for not eating. She tried to swallow the last bit but it got stuck in her throat and instantly she could feelba wave of nausea wash over her. Immediately she ran towards the bathroom to empty her stomach of what little she had been eating. Even though she was in such a hurry she had still managed to close the door behind her, not wanting Liv to witness the disgusting sight.

She heaved repeatedly until there was nothing left and that's when she heard a knock on the door. "Amanda, you okay in there? Can I come in?" she asked tentatively hoping the blonde would say yes.

"I'm... I'm okay." came a shaky reply before Liv could hear a second round of vomit.

"I'm coming in, Amanda. It's okay." Making her way into the bathroom she was met by a slumped form, shaking and dry heaving into the toilet, struggling to get a breath in. Her nurturing instincts quickly took over. She spotted a wash cloth laying on the sink, wet it with cold water and crunched down next to the still vomiting blonde. "Easy." she whispered and reached out, intending to wipe her flushed face. Amanda brought her hand up and Olivia mistook the action for need of support or reassurance. She grabbed onto the hand but was confused when Amanda tried to push her away, obviously embarrassed about her involuntary heaving.

"No... I'm... I'm okay." Amanda sputtered between ragged breaths as she continued to push the brunette away. "I'm okay." she insisted repeatedly.

At this point the vomiting had stopped and she tried to stand up on two shaky feet. Olivia knew her touch wasn't welcomed but didn't care as she helped the tired blonde to sit down on the, now closed, toilet seat. She ignored Amanda's weak protests and began to gently wipe her face from sweat and tears. Realising that her efforts of swiping Olivia's hands away were useless, she gave in to the natural comfort and compassion the brunette was offering, surprising herself when she leaned in slightly to the tender touch.

Olivia smiled as she felt the blonde lean her hot cheek into the coolness of her palm and couldn't stop herself from stoking it softly with the pad of her thumb. "You think you're finished getting sick? Can you make it into the bedroom with my help?"

Amanda gave her a look that said, 'of course I can, I'm not crippled.' She got up on shaky legs and attempted to take a step forward when her knees buckled. She would've fallen flat on her face if it wasn't for Liv's quick reflexes and she found herself in a strong pair of arms.


	10. Chapter 10

Fix You Chapter 10

Olivia watched the blonde sleep peacefully in the big king size bed, running the cool cloth over her forehead and face, trying to make her as comfortable as possible. Amanda had protested, saying that she was fine and just tired, maybe even coming down with the flu but Olivia didn't buy it. She had refused to leave her until she was certain she would be okay.

She looked so small and fragile that Liv was afraid she would break at any time. Not knowing how long the bonde would be asleep for, she kept herself busy in the kitchen trying to find something edible that was kind to the stomach. Luckily enough Alex had a couple of cans of chicken soup and an unopened packet of salted crackers in one of the cupboards. She then turned the tv on a low volume, sat down and waited for Amanda to wake up. She had spent a lot of time in Alex's place. They had been friends for years and now, sitting in her condo, on her sofa, watching her tv, she realised just how much she missed her friend. Of course they talked on the phone now and then but it wasn't the same thing as actually seeing each other face to face.

Flicking through the channels she found a movie she hadn't seen in years. It was the Sound Of Music. A classic that she could watch over and over again without getting sick of it. She knew all the lyrics by heart and hummed along as Julie Andrews belted out her songs on the screen.

"I love this movie."

Olivia jumped as she heard Amanda's voice from behind. Turning to face her she paused the movie and stood up. "Hey, how're you feeling? Did you get some sleep?" concern was shining through her eyes.

The blonde began to fidget with the shirt she was wearing and slowly walked towards the couch. "Yeah, thanks. You didn't have to go through so much trouble just for me." she stated in a low voice. "You don't have to stick around, you know. I'm... I'm okay. Thank you." she sat down and pulled her legs up underneath her to keep her warm.

Liv sighed and took a seat only a foot away. "Amanda, you're no trouble, I don't mind sticking around and it's okay to not be okay." The blonde watched the paused screen with a distant look on her face. "You can talk to me, Amanda. I've been told I'm a great listener." she smiled when blue eyes met hers. "Just know that I'm here, okay?"

Amanda sighed and let her eyes drop down to rest on her lap. It was quiet for awhile, the only sounds present was the faint buzzing noise from the tv, a car honking from a distance and, of course, their breaths that were almost in sync with one another.

"My dad never loved me." she slowly began, her eyes were still focused downwards. "Everything I did or didn't do was wrong in his eyes and it was never good enough... I was never good enough." she began to tear up but quickly blinked them away before they could fall. "My mum was my world and I was hers. When she died I was six years old and it felt like I died too. She was gone and was never coming back."

Liv swallowed at the lump forming in her throat. "That must've been really hard for you, especially at such a young age. I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Amanda frowned slightly and studied the detective's face to see if she was just giving her sympathy out of pity but Liv's face only held true feelings of compassion and empathy, like she really cared. The blonde shrugged and said coldly, "I don't really know any different. I wasn't even allowed to go to her funeral. I never got to say goodbye."

There was a slight paus between the two, not awkward, just comfortable and peaceful, both women lost in their own thoughts. Liv finally broke it. "You don't need a funeral to say goodbye. I'm sure your mother would understand. You were only a child, Amanda. Don't blame yourself for that, you hear me? There was nothing you could've done."

Liv's tone was so soft and soothing, almost velvety like and Amanda found it hard to keep her emotions in check. "I... I still haven't been to see her since she passed." she swallowed her own guilt. "I guess I'm ashamed for not being able to go and still haven't been after all these years. How can you forgive someone for doing that?" the question wasn't really pointed towards Liv, it was merely an enquiry in general.

Amanda was lost in her own little bubble and didn't notice the brunette scooting closer. When she felt a strong arm gently wrap around her shoulders she didn't flinch or tried to pull away. Instead, she closed her eyes, let out a shuddering breath and slowly laid her head on Olivia's secure shoulder.

They sat just like that for several minutes, just enjoying each other's presence and strength. Liv unconsciously stroked her fingers across Amanda's upper arm in lazy patterns, letting her know she was there and that she cared. All she wanted was to scoop the small blonde into her arms and never let her go but she knew better than that. That kind of physical contact would probably not be appreciated at the moment and she didn't want to scare her away.

A couple of minutes passed before Liv, quite surprisingly, realised that Amanda had fallen asleep with her head still on her shoulder, her breath tickling her skin with each breath and snoring slightly. Smiling, she reached for the blanket, hanging over the backrest, and lovingly tucked it around the sleeping form. Bringing her hand back down she couldn't help but to stroke a soft cheek, amazed by the softness. A faint murmur escaped Amanda's throat following the touch and Liv couldn't suppress the urge to place a feather light kiss on her forehead.

The brunette pressed the play button and continued to watch the movie, cherishing the closeness from the woman next to her. Amanda had opened up. Not much had been said but it was enough for Olivia to feel privileged and honoured that she had revealed some of her dark secrets to her. Hopefully the blonde would continue to open up about her childhood, the abuse and the terrible loss of her mother.

Taking a deep breath she inhaled the scent of Amanda. Vanilla, apple blossoms and sunshine swirled through her nostrils and she brought the sleeping woman just a tiny bit closer. The movie ended and, as Liv watched the end credits, Amanda began to stir and mumble. Looking down to see if she was waking up, she realised that she was still sound asleep. "Amanda?" she spoke softly and stroked her cheek again. She didn't get a verbal response. Instead the blonde began to whimper and cry faintly. "Amanda, shhh, it's alright. It's just a dream."

Amanda continued to cry and murmur words that were barely audible. "No, please... no more, it hurts... it hurts, please! No!" It broke Olivia's heart to hear those words coming from the pretty blonde in her arms. She wanted to wake her up and sooth all her pain and nightmares away but she knew she had to do it slowly and gently. She also knew that waking someone up in the midst of a bad dream was not a good idea as it could cause more trauma and scare the person even further, but hearing Amanda plead for help was just too much to bare. Maybe she was selfish but she couldn't just sit there and listen to the faint sobs and cries.

"Amanda, sweetheart?" she gave her a gentle tug, hoping that would wake her but to her disappointment, it didn't. She shook her. Gently to start with. The cries only got louder and Liv was at a loss of what to do. Slender arms began to flail in the air, fighting off an invisible attacker. Fingers bent into claw like structure to defend herself from any type of theat, altough Liv knew what kind of threat Amanda was facing in her dream. As to not get herself in the middle of a fist fight, Olivia had no choice but to firmly grab the swatting arms and pinned them between their bodies.

Wrapping her arms tightly around the smaller woman, her still fighting arms stuck between them, she began to hum a lullaby she knew by heart. It was a short little melody but by the time she had sang it twice, the body in her arms had stilled. Olivia had held many crying children over the years, in the line of work she did, and holding Amanda felt no different. Since she was smaller and shorter than herself, it almost felt like she was comforting a little girl that was crying out for her mother.

Even though she didn't know Amanda very well, she could still tell that she was awake by the sound of her breathing. Liv eased up the embrace slightly so the blonde could free her arms if she so wanted. Immediately the trembling arms freed themselves and, to Liv's surprise, they instantly flew around her neck as Amanda held on for dear life, her body shaking from the intensity of the dream.

Liv just held on. There was nothing else she could do right now except for trying to calm the hysterical woman. "You're okay, sweetie. It's me Olivia, I'm right here and you're safe. You're safe with me, sweetheart, you're safe here with me." she repeated those words over and over again, desperate for Amanda to understand that what she was saying was true.

Liv wanted to get her into bed where she would be more comfortable but she didn't think Amanda's legs would be able to carry any weight right now. "Amanda, sweetie, can you wrap your legs around my waist? You'll be better of in bed, honey." she felt the blonde shift against her and, when she felt two petite limbs circle her torso, she pulled her in even closer against her body and easily hoisted them both up.

Amanda was a lightweight and Liv, without difficulties, carried her into the bedroom just down the hall. Easing the two of them down, Olivia helped the distraught woman to lay down and covered her up. Amanda fought to keep her eyes open and it was clear to Liv that she was afraid to go back to sleep in case of another nightmare. It tore at her heart to see this woman in so much pain on so many levels. She didn't hesitate for a second as she crawled in to the bed next to her and pulled the almost limp form tightly against her front.

Amanda's soft cries and whimpers echoed through the walls of the fancy condo and Olivia felt her own eyes beginning to fill up. As Amanda continued to sob into the crock of her neck she gently took a hold of one of her hands, opened it up and placed it under her shirt to rest on bare skin just above her heart.

The skin on skin contact seemed to have a significant effect on Amanda. Her breathing was back to normal and her sobs and tears were barely sniffles. The hand resting on her chest was adapting to Olivia's warm skin and she could feel small fingers flex against the swell of her breast. Closing her eyes, glad that she could offer some kind of comfort to the blonde, Liv kissed her forehead and spoke softly.

"Go back to sleep, sweetie. Nothing will hurt you while I'm here, I promise. You're safe with me." those soft words were spoken as Liv let her hands run freely up and down Amanda's back.


	11. Chapter 11

Fix You Chapter 11

Taking a deep breath she became aware of the intoxicating smell of Olivia and slowly the memories of her embarrassing break down came back. Opening her eyes she was now face to face with the slumbering brunette. She didn't dare to move. Hardly breathe. Her bloodshot eyes studied the relaxed features in front of her. God, she was beautiful. So incredibly stunning and breathtaking. The soft tanned skin, long natural eyelashes, her perfectly curvy body and a great personality and characteristics to go with it all. To Amanda she was just simply a picture perfect.

Suddenly she became aware of Olivia's steady heartbeats thumping under the palm of her hand. Glancing down to see what her hand was resting on, she instantly felt her cheeks turn red. Her hand was resting on the brunette's breast. She wasn't fully touching it or anything but she was still embarrassed enough as it was after her weak episode earlier on.

She was afraid to move. If she moved her hand away and Liv woke up she would be caught resting her hand there and she couldn't bare to think about what would happpen if that was the case. It was a tight spot she was in... literally and her mind was running rampant with different scenarios.

She became aware of a change in breathing and tore her eyes off the firm round shaped mound where her hand was comfortably resting and found herself looking into a pair of brown sleepy but concerned eyes. She froze. Everything around her froze and she could suddenly hear her own heart beat wildly in her chest. They were so close, too close for comfort and Amanda didn't know how to get out of this awkward situation, although a part of her didn't want to get out of it. Laying like this felt quite peaceful and she wouldn't mind staying like this for the rest of her life but that was impossible and she knew it.

In the matter of a couple of seconds, Amanda felt like her chest was caving in on her and there was simply not enough air in the room for her to breathe. Something inside her was screaming to back off, get away and run as fast as you can. Another part told her to stay, crawl into Olivia's arms, surrender your whole being into the warmth and safetiness of the brunette where nothing could ever hurt her again.

She did none of those things. A stupid irrational part of her mind decided to ignore the intense debate she was internally struggling with and go for a third option. An option that was so out of her comfort zone and so unlike her that it shouldn't even be an option.

She kissed her. She kissed Olivia. While her lips were softly placed against Olivia's, she waited for the brunette to pull away in disgust and start to shout at her for being so stupid, naive and fucked up but that never happened. Instead, to her surprise, she felt Liv respond to the kiss by moving her lips gently against Amanda's. They both had there eyes closed. Too scared that, if they opened them, everything would disappear and it never would've happened.

Amanda didn't want the kiss to end. Ever. She also didn't want to face the awkwardness that usually came after. As she felt Olivia's warm breath on her mouth, the soft lips and the gentleness of it, she couldn't stop herself from moving her hand fully over the round breast, feeling how the nipple hardened under her palm. Olivia gasped in response, her whole body tingling from the touch and fought against the urge to tear the blonde's clothes off and have her wicked way with her.

As Amanda deepened the kiss Olivia's felt the need to pull away. Not because she wanted to but because she had to. This was not the time. No matter how much Olivia wanted this, there was no way she was letting it happen now. Amanda had been attacked and was dealing with the horrible dark and twisted aftermath of it and Liv couldn't let things go any further. At least not now.

"Amanda?" she whispered and began to pull away from the probing lips. "Amanda, we need to stop. This is... this is not the time." she struggled to get the words out as the blonde moaned and refused to let go. Instead Amanda's lips pressed even harder against hers and a second later Olivia was pinned under a 120 pound of Amanda, straddling her hips and assaulting her mouth forcefully.

Liv tried to push her away, gently as to not hurt or scare her, but it had no effect. "Amanda, please. We have to stop this! Amanda!" the blonde didn't listen as she pushed Liv even further down onto the mattress, pinning her shoulders down and began to kiss, lick and nib at her throat and neck.

Olivia could feel her body response to the kisses and touches. She wanted this and was quite sure that Amanda did too but they were not ready. They barely knew each other. This must be some kind of outlet from Amanda's part. A way of dealing with her feelings and emotions but it wasn't right and Liv was not going to take advantage of it.

Olivia had no choice but to let her cop mode in and a second later they were both sitting up and she had the blonde's hands firmly held behind Amanda's own back. This caused the smaller woman to panic. It was like she wasn't there anymore and began to struggle to get away from her attacker. "Amanda, honey. Calm down, it's me Olivia. You're okay. You're okay." she tried to sooth and fought against Amanda's desperate attempts to break free.

"No, please! Please! Don't hurt me. I'll do anything you want me to just please don't hurt me anymore. Please, please, please!" Amanda was now crying hysterically, pleading and begging for her life and for her attacker, quessing her father, not to hurt her anymore.

Liv struggled against the trashing and wrenching, trying to dodge Amanda's attempts to hurt her or herself. "Amanda, it's okay. It's Olivia! I need you to calm down, sweetie." she held on for dear life but no matter how low and soothing her voice was she still couldn't reach out to the distraught woman. After a minute of struggles she finally gave the blonde a powerful shake and spoke in a loud firm tone. "Amanda?!"

The fighting form in her arms went absolutely still and Amanda looked at her, reality fnally kicking in. "Olivia?" her voice wa shaky and uncertain.

The brunette brushed blonde hair away from wild teary eyes softly. "Yeah, it's me. You're okay, sweetie. You're okay."

Ragged breaths fell upon Liv's face as Amanda tried to come to terms with what had happened. Suddenly she scooted away backwards, hitting her head against the headboard of the bed and pulled her knees up to her heaving chest. "I'm sorry. I'm so so sorry! I... I didn't mean to... I... I'm sorry, I..."

"Shhh, Amanda it's okay. You didn't hurt me and more importantly you didn't hurt yourself. It's okay." Liv tried to sooth as best as she could and moved a bit closer.

Amanda panicked again and raised her hands. "No, please! Don't come any closer, I'll hurt you."

She was shaking at this point. Shaking and trying to make herself as small as possible by burrowing deeper into the bed sheets and the headboard. Olivia didn't take it personal. She had seen this reaction many times before. Moving closer still, she spoke soothingly. "It's okay. You're safe and you didn't hurt me. Let me help, Amanda? I can help. Please?!"

Tentatively she laid a hand on a trembling shoulder and made sushing noises as she slowly pulled the frightened woman into her arms again. "It's okay. You're okay." she repeaded over and over again, willing the blonde to believe it.

"I'm sorry." Amanda sniffled. "I'm sorry for... what I did, I... I don't know what came over me I... I... I'm sorry." she started to struggle against Liv's hold once more. "Get away from me! I'm disgusting and... and... and gross! I'm so sorry for what I did. You should go! You have to go! Please just go!"

Liv held her tighter and tried desperately to calm her down. Pulling away she cupped a tear stained face beween her palms and brushed the streaming tears away with the pads of her thumbs. "Amanda, you need to listen to me. You are not disgusting. You are not gross. You have nothing to be sorry for and I'm not going anywhere. I'm where I want to be."

Amanda sniffled and looked utterly confused and appalled by herself. "I... I don't undrstand. I kissed you and... and that was so wrong and... and I..."

"Amanda," Liv interrupted, "do you hear me complaining?" she offered the blonde a slight smirk. "I'm really flattered about what you did and I liked it. The only reason I pulled away is because I don't think anyone of us is ready for more. After what you've just been through we shouldn't rush into anything. I'm not going anywhere, Amanda but things are not ideal right now. I'll be here every step of the way on this, you're not alone, and along the way we can get to know each other better and see where it leads us, okay?"

Amanda couldn't believe her ears. She was still here. Olivia was still here. She hadn't run away in disgust or horror. She was still here. "You... you're not disgusted?"

Liv smiled and tilted her head to the side and looked at Amanda with such care and compassion it made the blonde's heart swell. "No sweetie. I'm not disgusted. I could never be disgusted by you. You are beautiful inside out. I understand why you did what you did but I'm not going to forgive you because there's nothing to forgive, sweetheart. Nothing at all." slowly she leaned in and gently placed a few butterfly kisses on Amanda's lips to prove that she was telling the truth.


	12. Chapter 12

Fix You Chapter 12

A small bowl of soup and some crackers later, Amanda felt a bit better. Still tired but better. "I don't know why I'm so tired. I feel like I've slept all day." the blonde muttered as she sat on the sofa with her laptop on her knee.

Liv was sitting a few feet away, in the opposite corner, skimming a gossip magazine, not really interested in the stuff but it passed the time. Besides, the crosswords were usually good. "Don't beat yourself up over it, Amanda. You have to give it some time. After what happened last night at my place I know that you didn't get any sleep last night and you've only slept a couple of hours today. It's only natural to be tired. I would be too." Olivia stated calmly.

Amanda looked up from the screen reluctantly. "I'm... I'm sorry about last night. I shouldn't have..."

"Hey, it's okay." Liv chipped in. "I understand. I'm the one who should be apologizing. I shouldn't have my files laying around. I'm sorry."

Amanda could tell that the brunette was telling the truth by the look of her face and body language. "It's your home, you can have whatever you want scattered around the place. I'm not one to judge. You can have snotty tissues tossed around your whole apartment for all I care. It's your place. Your home."

Liv chuckled heartedly. "Well well, she can cook and she's funny. What else do I need to know about you?"

Amanda pursed her lips thinking. "Well, I hate when people lie to me, I hate cooking for just myself, I like cartoons, especially disney movies and I use to play the guitar."

Raising her eyebrows in surprise, Liv turned her full attention to the blonde. "You play the guitar?"

"Use to." Amanda corrected.

"Wow, I wouldn't have pegged you for a guitarist. Can you sing?" The brunette was getting curious and enjoyed learning and finding out more about the woman sitting next to her.

Amanda smiled shyly and shrugged. "Yeah, I can sing." she stated quietly and her eyes returned to the screen of her computer, fingers gracing the keys.

"Well," Liv responded, "do I get to hear you sing?"

A sad expression quickly covered her face like a curtain. "I don't play anymore." her tone was low but firm, making it known to Liv that she ment what she said and leave it at that.

The older woman didn't want to pry but decided to go for a gentle approach. "If you wanna talk about it, I'm here."

Amanda rapidly typed on the keyboard. She was working on some menu changes and tried to make sure she was covered for staff the coming month due to her employees holidays. The silence between the two was almost unbearable. Olivia tried to focus on the crosswords in front of her but it proved to be a difficult task when her mind was running rampant.

"My... my father didn't like that I played." Amanda spoke softly her voice distant and resigned. "He said it was a waste of time and money. My mother bought me my first guitar when I was five." she smiled at the memorie. "It was so big I could barely reach the end of the finger board but that didn't stop me. She signed me up for lessons and I picked it up really fast at such a young age. I got really good at it. Most kids in the group were jealous. I think even the teacher was getting a bit annoyed at how fast I was learning cause the other kids couldn't keep up." smiling, she shook her head. "The tutor eventually offered me private lessons for a good price. Mum, paid for it without my fathers knowledge."

She paused and took a deep breath. It was hard to talk about something so painful that happened such a long time ago. She never thought that she would bring these memories up later on in life. Not in a million years but, here she was, spewing it all out without hesitation and regret. "After um,... after her death my father, of course, started to notice the bills coming in and he cancelled everything. He said it cost too much and that my mother was a fool and a bitch for letting me play and for hiding it from him."

A lump in her throat started to form and she repeatedly swallowed, desperate to get rid of it. Her eyes stung from unshed tears but she silently promised herself not to cry. "I continued to play in my room whenever he wasn't around until one day when I was about fifteen he caught me red handed." the memories slowly crept up on her, remembering the horrible event like it was yesterday. "He ripped the guitar from my hands and started beating me with it. I could hear it crack and how the strings broke loose, the pain, the... the blood." the tears came and her body shuddered from the past experience.

"There was nothing left of the guitar after he was finished. I was bleeding heavily from my right arm and side from trying to block the blows. I had to take myself to the hospital to get stitched up." she leaned forward and pulled her top up slightly to reveal a foot long scar running vertically down her side. It looked sore and red even after all these years and Olivia couldn't help but to scoot closer to get a better look.

"Oh, Amanda!" she said with feeling, looking at the blonde with such empathy and concern. "I'm so sorry that happened to you."

She covered herself back up and brushed at the tears. "Don't be. It's not your fault." she simply stated and shrugged.

Olivia moved even closer so she could place a hand on the blonde's shoulder and offer some kind of comfort. "It wasn't your fault either, remember that and believe it." Liv gently soothed.

There was a pause again but not as long as the previous one, before Amanda spoke up. "It took 26 stitches to close it." she turned her gaze to Liv. "I haven't played since." she revealed with a broken voice and heart.

The usually 'good with words' detective was at a loss. She just couldn't believe, nor understant, how a father could be so cruel and sinister to his own child. She was glad he was dead but she knew that he would always exist in Amanda's head. In her thoughts, her mind and her dreams. It broke her heart to think that this gentle beautiful woman had gone through so much trauma and heartache from an early childhood up until a few days ago and, even though he was dead, it would take time for Amanda to finally find peace with herself and in herself.

All the brunette could do was to sit there, close enough to touch and sooth yet from a slight distance as not to crowd the blonde. When Amanda had calmed down she smiled sadly towards Liv and inhaled deeply. "So, what about you detective? What is there to know about you? I've shared... man, did I share or what? I just went all out, didn't I?" she chuckled and became a bit embarrassed after realising she had told Olivia something so private but at the same time she was glad that she did.

"I'm here for you, Amanda. It's okay to talk, to scream, to cry, to vent. There's no shame in it. I'm glad that you told me." she placed feather light kiss on the blonde's temple, lingering just long enough to inhale the wonderful scent. "As for me, well... there's not much to tell really. Born and raised in New York, went to school here, continued to the police academy, graduated at the top of my class," she winked and smiled proudly which caused Amanda to break out in a huge grin, "joined the special victims unit and been working there for about sixteen years now."

"Wow, sixteen years? It can't be easy." she said and studied Liv's face.

"It's never easy, especially when it comes to children. Sometimes it's hard not to storm off and rip the perps balls off myself. You have to try and distance yourself from it, otherwise it will consume you. It's hard and I still struggle with some cases. We all do."

Amanda lowered her head and closed her laptop, shutting it off. Leaning back against the backrest she sighed heavily. "Why do you do it? How can you face that every single day and still be right in the head? I know I couldn't."

The brunette pursed her lips before answering. "Someone has to. Besides, we are usually a lot stronger than what we think we are. Unfortunately, for some people it has to come to a traumatic point in their lifes to realise that. But you are strong, Amanda. So so strong. You survived so many years of abuse and neglect and look at you now. You survived it all and I know that you will survive the recovery. You're already thriving."


	13. Chapter 13

Fix You Chapter 12

Amanda watched her father's funeral from a distance. She hadn't planned on going but there was a voice in her head, a little painful annoying voice, telling her to go, so she did. She didn't shed a tear, no facial expression that indicated any type of sorrow or remorse, no intension of paying her respects. Nothing. She was not here for him. She was here for her own peace of mind so she could see for herself that he was indeed dead, in a coffin, six feet under the ground and rotting bellow the dark, wet and murky soil. Dead.

Big sunglasses, as to disguise herself, rested on her nose as she leaned against the side of her car. There was a lot of people at the ceremony. She couldn't understand why these people were here? Didn't they know what an evil, sociopathic devil he was? Were these people his friends? On his side? Saying goodbye to a man that they thought they knew?

If they only knew!

She wached as they lowered the casket bellow the earth and how they cautiously thoughtfully sprinked sand on top of it. Dust to dust and all that, Amanda thought. I would shove that sand where the sun doesn't shine!

A voice rang out. Someone was giving a speech. A speech of love, honour and respect. How much of a family man he was and how he always showed kindness and sympathy to people who needed it. It almost caused Amanda to laugh out loud as she heard it being said. Fucking idiots!

She had heard enough and turned to leave when she locked eyes with someone she knew. It was her father's right hand, business partner and loyal friend, Shane Sullivan. He glared at her in a sickening way, raised his hat in a mock salute and shaped his fingers into the form of a gun and pretended to fire. It was a threat, or a promise, depending how you look at it. Amanda tore her eyes off him, swiftly entered her car and sped off.

She was worried. She was on edge, scared and down right petrified. The Sullivan's had a fierce reputation. They were also somewhat of a gangster family or the Irish mob. She hadn't seen much of them growing up except for Shane. He was ays nice to her but in a creepy way. Always touching her and commenting on her looks or clothes but it never went out of hand. He never used force or threaths.

It was obvious that he thought Amanda had something to do with Frank's death and he was making sure that she should be afraid, she should be hiding or running for her life. She was now a target. His target.

She drove down the streets of NYC, her heart pumping and bones shaking. What was she suppose to do now? Should she tell Liv? Should she report this? She didn't want to get Olivia involved in this. It was too dangerous and she would never forgive herself if anything happened to her, yet she decided that letting Liv know, would be the better option even though she didn't like the idea. She hated herself for doing this but the situation gave her no choice and she headed towards the precinct.

Entering the one six, she was immediately met by detective Munch again. He always seemed to be around, she thought. "Oh, miss Rollins. I believe a thank you is in order for the best meal of my long strenuous life. It was a real pleasure to be in the Rollins domain."

Amanda couldn't help but to smile slightly at the man. He was different from the other detectives, she thought. A bit strange in his own way but ment well. "You're very welcome detective. It was a pleasure having you all." she looked nervously behind him. "Um, is Oliv... I mean, is detective Benson here?" she wanted to stay proffesional.

"Yeah, she's in the interrogation room, verbally abusing a suspect. Would you like to witness the wrath of Olivia Benson while she intimidates the living shit out of a perp?"

Looking at the older man she didn't know if he was serious or not but he made no joking face or gestures. "Um, sure." the blonde answered and followed the grey haired man through the bullpen and into a smaller room where there was a glass window. She could easily make out Olivia in the room. She was standing next to the seated perp, hanging over him, letting him feel the pressure and her face was right up against his. The young man looked like he was about to shit himself as he continued to stutted and trying to stick to his story.

Amanda was facinated and felt a bit intimidated herself even from a far distance and also a bit proud of Olivia for being so fierce and persistent. The perp was sweating and struggling to stay calm as he shifted in the hard plastic chair.

"She's been in there for almost five hours." Munch added, "trying to get something out of him. See the way he's starting to sweat and squirm?" Amanda nodded. "He's about to break, won't be long now until he makes a mistake."

For about twenty minutes Amanda watched the strong brunette interrogate him, pushing him to the edge until he finally gave her something to go on. Not until then did she leave the room, tired herself from the draining process.

"Amanda!" she stated surprised as she spotted the blond standing by the big window. "What are you doing here? Are you okay?" she instantly became worried. She could tell by the look on Amanda's face that something was up. She looked a bit upset and uneasy. "Come on, let's go into my office."

Liv closed the door behind them and guided the blonde over to the couch and they both sat down. "What's going on?" Olivia took a small hand in hers and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

"Um, I went to Frank's, well my father's funeral. I watched from a distance, I didn't exactly go. I just wanted to... I don't know... I suppose I just wanted to see for myself that he was really... gone, you know?" she took a deep breath before continuing explaining the whole story about what had happened at the graveyard. When she finished Olivia got down on her knees, took the other hand as well and looked Amanda straight in the eye.

"Thank you for telling me, honey. I'm gonna get straight on this and see what I can do, okay? I don't want you to worry about anything, just leave it up to me and my squad okay?"

The seriousness in Olivia's voice and the look in her eyes made Amanda even more anxious and scared. "I'm so sorry for dragging you in to this. I wasn't going to tell you but I didn't know what else to do." tears becane evident and her voice became shaky. "I'm sorry." she cried and hid her face in her hands.

Liv got up from the floor, sat down beside the upset blonde and pulled her in for a tight warm embrace. "Oh sweetheart. Shhh, don't cry, honey. Everything is gonna be okay, I'll make sure of it. I'm glad you told me and I want you to tell me if there's something that scares you. We're gonna figure all of this out, I promise butbI don't feel comfortable knowing that you're on your own. I'm gonna place a couple of uniforms outside your condo just to be on the safe side." Amanda was about to protest but Liv placed a finger over her lips, sushing her. "It's for the best, sweetie." her warm hands rubbed up and down Amanda's trembling back. "Shhh honey. I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. It's either this or you're staying at my place. I'm not comfortable letting you stay by yourself and you shouldn't be either, okay?"

"I don't want you to get hurt." Amanda revealed in a small voice, her hands were now in her lap, enjoying the warmth and protectiveness of Olivia's soft body.

The brunette pulled away slightly, ducked her head so she could make eye contact. "Hey hey, don't worry about me. You did the right thing, sweetie. I'm so glad that you came to me, really I am."

Amanda didn't trust her voice and just nodded before burrowing her face in the crook of Olivia's neck. She hated to feel so emotional and out of control. She was never like this. Her rough childhood had hardened her and toughened her up but since the attack all she seemed to do was to cry, feel weak and frail all the time and constantly looking over her shoulder. This was not her.

Liv just held her for awhile, letting her cry herself out while speaking softly and offering comforting touches. A few minutes later there was only a few sniffles echoing through the room. Liv pulled away and dried the remaining tears with the pads of her thumbs. "You wanna come and stay with me for awhile, until this is all over?" she offered gently.

The blonde thought for awhile. She'd hate to be a burden and an inconvenience to the brunette but she was also afraid of being alone and didn't feel comfortable having two strangers outside her door keeping watch. It was a hard decision to make and she really didn't want to put Liv in the crossfire. She came to a decision and chose the uniforms even though she was terrified and uncertain.

"Are you sure about this Amanda? I really don't mind if you want to stay at my place, honestly." Liv was slightly surprised by the decision Amanda made but she fully accepted it.

"I'm sure. Thank you but I... I need... I need my own space and I wouldn't feel... I mean, I don't think I'd be... I don't know. I just..."

"Hey, shhh. I understand. It's okay, just remember that you can change your mind any time. Just let me know, okay, sweets?"

The blonde managed a small smile. "Thank you, I will."


	14. Chapter 14

Fix You Chapter 14

Two days had passed since the funeral. Two days since she last saw Liv and two days since the two male strangers had temporarily made her driveway their home in a black SUV. Constantly on edge, she peeked through the windows to make sure they were still there and that everything seemed somewhat normal. They shadowed her to work, stayed outside the restaurant until she finished and then followed her back home again. It was slightly annoying to have two people constantly walking in your footsteps but she knew it was for the better.

She missed Olivia. Missed her scent, her warmth, her way of always knowing what to say and her reassuring touch. She wanted to call her, hear her voice, ask her to maybe go to the movies but the nerves got the better of her.

It was close to dark and she just arrived home early from work. Being the owner and the boss she had the privilege to come and go as she pleased, well, at least for the most part. She was tired. Since the attack he hadn't slept well at all and catching up on some well needed rest seemed almost impossible. She headed straight for the shower to wash away the grease and smells that only came from working in a kitchen. Hopefully the strong spray of hot water would help with the stress and anxiety she felt.

While getting undressed she was suddenly violently thrown into the wall and a loud bang rang out, making her ears painfully sore and throbbing. She slid down in to a heap on the floor, her back sore from the powerful blow, her head and neck hurt real bad and everything around her was spinning. Not realising what exactly had happened she immediately tried to stand but soon regretted it as her vision blurred and became fuzzy before her eyes.

What the hell was that? She thought frantically, trying to locate where the blast had come from and what had caused it. She was non the wiser and had to close her eyes and lean her head against the wall behind her for support. Everything was spinning and her ears were ringing so loud it felt like her cell phone was inside her head ringing and vibrating at the highest volume.

Suddenly she saw two figures, two silhouettes, through a thick layer of smoke and dust. As they came closer she could see that it was the two uniforms that were assigned to protect her.

Something warm and sticky trickled down her temple. It was blood. Must have hit the side of my head against the wall, she thought as she watched the bright crimson liquid coating her fingers. Things were moving in a haze, almost slow motion but still not slow enough for her to undertand what was going on. In a matter of minutes she heard sirens and before she knew, the bedroom was filling up. The EMTs quickly assessed the injuries, placed a blanket over her and seconds later she was pushed into the ambulance on a stretcher.

She desperately clung to the blanket, trying to cover herself up as much as she could after finally realising that she was only wearing jeans and a bra. She was beginning to shiver from cold and she knew it was the shock kicking in. Someone covered her with a sheet that looked like tin foil. It wasn't comfortable but she soon got less cold.

She must have dozed off because when she opened her eyes again she was laying in a hospital bed and the cut on her temple was being stitched up. Startled she flinched in confusion.

"Easy," the nurse said with a smile, "just relax, I'm almost done." she cut the suturing thread and placed a bandage over it. "There you go. Hopefully it won't leave a scar. You've got a concussion and a bruised back but otherwise you were very lucky. If you had been in the same room as that bomb then... well, let's not think about that. You're here and you're alive. I'm gonna give you something for the pain, I'll be right back."

She quickly disappeared before Amanda could answer any question but returned shortly with a plastic cup and two pain killers. "We'd like to keep you over night for observation to be on the safe side. Concussion can be quite unpredictable."

Swallowing the pills, the blonde greedily finished the water, the cool liquid soothing her throat. Damn that smoke must've gotten to me, she muttered to herself. "Bomb?" she finally managed to rasp out.

"Yeah, well I don't know any details but there was a bomb that went off in your kitchen." the nurse looked at her with kind eyes. "I'll let you get some rest. I'll check in on you every hour. If you ned anything just press the call button."

A bomb? she though. A fucking bomb! What the hell was happening? Then, it suddenly dawned on her. The Sullivan's. So this was what he ment when he signaled his death threat towards her the other day at the funeral. This was his way of payback, revenge, to even out the scores. He was holding her responsible for Frank Jr's death and he would not stop until he found his justice.

Winching at the pain in her head and back she slowly lowered herself onto the uncomfortable mattress and sighed. All she could think of now was that the condo was obviously in a terrible mess and it wasn't even hers. What was Alex gonna say? God, this couldn't get any worse. There was nothing she could do to stop the tears from falling down her pale cheeks and within minutes she was asleep.

She became aware of a presence, a soothing calm and a warm hand on her forehead and hands. Someone was holding her hands? Someone was stroking her forehead? Is this a dream or just a drug induced state? Who had such a gentle nurturing touch? Such warmth and healing hads? Olivia!

Opening her eyes she was met with concerned but tender brown. "Hey," Liv was quick to sooth, "you gave us quite a scare. How are you feeling?"

Afraid to move her head too much the blonde slowly turned to face Olivia. "Bomb?" her voice was barely a whisper and full of confusion.

Liv stroked her cheek. "I think we both know who planted it and why. CSU are currently combining the condo. The main thing is that you're okay."

Amanda closed her eyes briefly. "What's Alex gonna say? Fucking hell, I ruined her house, her home! I'll never forgive myself for this. How could I've been so stupid and thoughtless? I should've known something like this would happen. It's all my fault."

The blonde was working herself up which did her head no favours and a wave of nausea hit her. "Oh god!" she said as she placed a hand over her mouth. Olivia was quick and placed a paper tray underneath in front of her as she tossed the little food she had eaten that day. The vomiting did not help the throbbing in her head. The pain was intense and she couldn't help but to let out a loud moan.

"I guess you have a concussion." Liv said gently. "And don't worry about Alex. I already rang her, she was just relieved that you are okay. The insurance will cover it so don't think about that. Just relax, honey. You're okay and it's not your fault what happened." she removed the tray when Amanda was finished, tossed it in the trash and came back with a cup of water.

"Here, sweets. Drink this." the blonde eagerly drank the liquid.

"She said that?" she asked when the cup was empty and she collapsed back onto the bed exhausted from her efforts.

Olivia sat down on the bed and took Amanda's hand in hers. "Yes, she did so don't worry, okay?" she tenderly brushed blonde hair away from her tired face. "I heard that they're keeping you in overnight. I know you don't like it but I think it's a good idea. It will, at least, put my mind at ease knowing that you're taken care of. I'll take you to my place tomorrow after you've been discharged." Amanda was about to protest but Liv was quick to interrupt. "You're staying at mine and that's final. I'll do whatever it takes to put the guy or guys who did this to you behind bars and to keep you safe. Do you hear me?"

Amanda blinked tiredly and nodded. "Will you stay until I fall asleep?"

The usually stoic detective melted at the innocent request, leaned over and placed a kiss on the blonde's forehead and cheek. "Of course I will and I'll be here when you wake up cause I'm not leaving."

Liv's gentle smile and reassuring words almost brought the blonde to tears again. No one had ever cared for her before except her mother and it was close to painfully overwhelming as the strange feeling assaulted her senses.

"Why the tears, sweetheart?" Amanda didn't even realise she was silently crying until Liv commented on it and she brought her hand up to a moist cheek. Tears.

"Just tired, I guess." Amanda answered and shrugged. She was too tired to talk. She held Liv's hand firmly, to make sure she was still there and wouldn't leave, and closed her eyes.

"Sleep now. I'll be here, I promise." Olivia watched as the smaller woman quickly fell in to a deep sleep.

She continued to offer gentle touches and words to sooth. It was a mystery how fast this woman, this petite blonde haired strong woman, had wormed herself in to her heart and mind. Munch was right, she had a thing for blondes but this was something more, something stronger, than just an casual crush. She cared for Amanda. Perhaps a bit too much since they didn't really know each other but she couldn't help but to worry, care and think about her on a regular basis.

It was extremely unusual for the dedicated detective to fall for someone so quickly and effortlessly as she had with Amanda. She couldn't understand it herself why she was so drawn to her and always felt the need to be near her but she wasn't sure she wanted to understand it. Some things are better left alone and this was one of those things. Just go with your gut and trust your instincts and Olivia was good at that.


	15. Chapter 15

Fix You Chapter 15

Amanda was so tired the next morning. Every hour through the night a nurse had to come in and check her vitals and ask her questions to be sure they weren't dealing with a serious brain injury. Olivia had kept her promise and had stayed by her side the entire time. The brunette was quite use to being up at all hours, day or night, due to her job and wasn't as affected as Amanda by the lack of sleep.

She was discharged and released. Olivia had given her her jacket to wear until they reached her apartment. Amanda got the full tour of the place. It was quite small since she lived on her own but it was nicely decorated and had a warm and cozy feeling to it. It dawned on her that Olivia only had one bedroom with a king sized bed and wasn't sure how the bunette had planned their sleeping arrangements.

"You can take the bed. I'll sleep on the couch." Olivia said as if the detective could read her mind.

Amanda raised her eyebrows. "No way. I'm not kicking you out of your own bed. I'll take the couch and that's final."

"We'll see about that." Liv added with a smirk.

They had a late breakfast/lunch and by the time Amanda had finished her plate her eye were drooping. She felt useless as she watched Olivia clear the table. She had no energy to do anything except sleep. She flinched slightly when a hand was placed on her shoulder. "Come on, I'll take you to bed." Liv gently cooed, wrapped an arm around her waist and led her into the already dim it room.

"Is that a proposition, detective? I usually take the girl out for dinner first." even in her tired state she managed to crack a joke and smiled when she heard Liv chuckle.

"I thought you did already, remember?" the brunette added cheekily and handed the blonde something to sleep in.

"Oh yeah," Amanda said with one eye half open. "Well, I'm all yours then."

Olivia could barely tear her eyes off the adorable sight of an exhausted Amanda, smiling lazily, with not even one eye open and looking so beautiful. Olivia's face softened and she stroked a smooth cheek before her. "Tempting." she whispered, not relising she said it out loud.

"What?" Amanda asked, almost asleep in her upright position.

Liv shooke her head to clear it. "Nothing. Why don't you get changed and I'll be back in a bit with some painkillers for your head. I can see you're in pain so don't even argue with me on this."

Liv poured a glass of water and found som Advil in her bathroom cabinet. She wanted nothing more than to slide in next to Amanda and hold her, feel her and smell her fruity scent. She just wanted to make everything better and make the small woman feel safe and cared for, something she probably never felt since her mother passed away.

Entering the room her heart melted at the sight. The blonde had fallen asleep in her jeans and scrub top, on top of the covers, shoes on and hair toussled on the pillow. Gingerly she placed the glass and pills on the nightstand and removed her shoes. Takin a step back she pondered whether to take her tight jeans off or not. It was a private thing to do and she didn't want Amanda to think she had been taking advantage while she was sleeping but by removing them ment that she would probably sleep more comfortable.

Sighing, she just unbuttoned the jeans, covered her up, making sure she was warm enough before dimming the lihts slightly and left the room, leaving the door slightly open in case Amanda woke up and needed anything.

While the blonde slept Liv took the opportunity to call and get an update on the case, if they had found something, anything, yet. What was left of the bomb had been taken away for analysis to see if there was anything on it, that could point them in the right direction, but they still hadn't heard from the crime lab. Fin and Munch was, at present, trying to track down and locate Frank Jr or anybody who would know where he was hiding.

Okay, Liv thought. Everything was being investigated thoroughly from every angle yet she felt useless for not being able to do more for Amanda and for not managing to keep her safe the first time. She blaimed herself for what had happened. She should've been more careful placing two uniforms outside her place to protect her without really knowing how qualified they were for the job. They were apparently both rookies, one so more than the other, and didn't have the knowledge or equipment to do a proper job. "Never again." she mumbled after ending the phone call with detective Amaro.

She sighed, headed towards the kitchen in search for some take out menus or dinner. She had no idea what Amanda like to eat and, her being a chef and all, Olivia even felt useless on that department too. She settled for Italian in the end, feeling that it would be nice with some fresh herbs and tomatos. She placed the order for later on that night so she didn't have to worry about it later.

Liv was relieved she lived in one of the nicer areas and had a very trustworthy doorman downstairs. A protective detail had also been organized but they were highly qualified for these tasks and Olivia felt confidant that nothing would happen to Amanda while being under her protection. Still, she slid the curtain to the side to have a look outside, four stories down. The unmasked car was in place, the doorman was doing his job and everything looked fine.

The bunette turned the tv on for some background noise while she worked on her laptop, checking her mail, going through case files and making sure everything was in order with Alex's codo before the insurance company could start their process.

Olivia could feel the lack of sleep catching up on her and she rubbed her hands over her face to wake up a bit. Then, a piercing sceam rang through the walls and reached her ears. Quickly, gun in hand, she ran to the bedroom, ready to fight. There was nobody in there except for Amanda. She was sitting up in bed, panting, sweating, a hand placed on her chest and tears rolling down her cheeks. A nightmare, Olivia realised. Just a nightmare.

"Amanda, honey, it's okay." she placed the gun on the nightstand, sat down on the edge of the bed and pulled the shivering blond close. "Shhh, you're okay, sweetheart. You're okay. It was just a bad dream, no one is gonna hurt you. I'm here, I'm here."

Amanda clung to her as if her life depended on it. Liv let her keep the tight hold even though it was slightly uncomfortable, almost painful. The small frame shook against her own from the intense sobs and whimpers and it made Liv's chest tighten and hurt. A throbbing ache that settled so deep inside her heart that it felt like she was suffocating.

"Oh, Amanda." she said softly, "It was just a dream. You're safe here with me. I won't let anything happen to you. It was just a dream."

"N... no... no, it wasn't! It was... it was a memory! He was here... hurting me." she cried as she struggled to get air into her lungs. "It... it hurt so bad... so so bad. It wouldn't stop! He wouldn't stop!" Amanda wailed causing Liv's heart to rip even further apart.

The brunette suddenly became aware that Amanda's arms were no longer around her neck in a death grip. Instead they were now burried between the blonde's legs, cupping her sex as if she was in pain. Olivia gasped as she realised what her dream was about and how the painful memories combined with the nightmare must have caused her actual physical pain in an awaken state. Bringing the blonde back into her arms she lowered her down on to the soft mattress as she slid under the covers herself.

"Shhh, I know, baby. I know, but you're okay. You're here and you're okay." Laying face to face, on their sides, Liv noticed that Amanda's legs were pulled up to her chest, still cupping her private parts. Gently she tried to pry her hands away from her sex while talking soothingly to her the whole time.

"You're okay, sweetie. I'm just removing your hands. You're okay, you're not hurt, you're not bleeding, everything is okay. Let's just bring your hands up here so I can hold them. I'm right here with you the whole time. You're okay. You're okay." she repeated those words until she was holding Amanda's shaking hands.

"It hurts! It hurts!" the smaller woman whispered over and over again, her knees still tightly against her chest, as if she was protecting herself.

Olivia frowned in confusion, pulled away slightly to look into blue watery eyes. "What do you mean, honey? How can I help you? What hurts?" Liv brushed away the tears gently as they continued to fall.

"D... do... down... there!" Amanda hiccuped, "between my legs." she sobbed violently, making the whole bed shake from the force of it. "He... he... he did something to me do... down... there, I... I... he... he..." shaking her head, she scrunched up her face at the painful flashback and couldn't get another word out.

Olivia suddenly felt sick to her stomach and had to take a deep breath to calm the nauseous wave that overtook her senses. Amanda couldn't continue to speak but Olivia knew enough to know that something horrific and extremely painful had happned and Frank had been the cause of it. He had hurt her. Physically hurt her in the most despicable and excruciatingly twisted way that a normal person's brain would find it impossible to understand it. She had to close her eyes and take another breath before she came back to the present.

She didn't know what to say. All her years of working with sex crimes suddenly vanished and she had no idea what to do. How do you respond to such a confession? What do you say? What do you do? Lost and in shock she slowly pulled herself up in a sitting poition, resting her back against the headboard and, ever so gently, brought Amanda close to her front, positioned between her legs and pulled the duvet over her trembling form.

"Oh my god." she whispered faintly, "oh, sweet sweet girl. What have you been through? What did he do to you my sweet brave girl. I'm so so sorry that he hurt you, baby. So so sorry." Liv had a hard time keeping her own tears at bay as she did her best to comfort and sooth. "What did he do? Do you think you can tell me? I promise I'll be right here next to you trough all of this. I'm not leaving you to deal with this on your own, sweetheart. I'm here to help you in any way possible. Do you think you can tell me how he hurt you?"


	16. Chapter 16

Fix You Chapter 16

Liv hoped and prayed to god, even though she was not religious, that Amanda would tell her how her father hurt her so. The sobbing woman in her secure embrace was calming down some, to a point where she at least got her verbal function back.

"The day before my eighteenth birthday, he... he came into my room in the middle of the night. He was pissed and he had a knife." Amanda took a shaky breath before she continued. She had to say it now or else she would never do it. "He raped me. Over and over throughout the night. While he was..." she swallowed as not to get sick, "in me, he kept calling me my mother's name repeatedly. It was horrible and it hurt so bad. I didn't think I would survive that night. I was tied to the bed, I couldn't fight back."

Liv stroked her back with her fingertips, creating lazy patterns and placed butterfly kisses on her head, temple and cheek. She wanted to comfort. She knew she was but it didn't feel like enough. She wanted to take her pain away, to bare it for her so she didn't have to but that was not possible. All she could do was to hold her, talk to her and sooth her to the best of her capacity.

"When he was done he... he forced my legs apart, wider than before, and he... he took the knife and he... he... he cut me... down there. I screamed, I begged him to stop. It hurt so bad. Then... then he just loosened the ties and left me there to free myself. It took me awhile but I somehow managed." Amanda made a brief pause to gather her strength and courage to finish her story, her memory.

"There was a lot of blood. I don't know how I managed to stop it, but I did. It took almost two weeks before the pain fully went away. After a while I... I... realised that I had problems having... um, you know, problems with um, with..."

"Having an orgasm?" Liv added gently, putting the woman out of her misery. Amanda blushed and nodded. "Have you had one since it happened?" she didn't want to pry and ask too personal questions but she figured the younger woman would feel better after getting all out in the open.

Amanda blushed furiously and turned her head away. Olivia cautiously laid a hand on a flushed cheek, forcing her to turn back. "Hey, it's okay. Don't be embarrassed, please."

The blonde swallowed, turned her gaze down so she wouldn't have to look at Liv and whispered, "only when I'm on my own."

Olivia studied the tired, defeated and sorrowful face of the woman in her arms, feeling her heart ache at the thought of what this woman had gone through. She could only pull her as close to her body as she physically could and just hold her. Hold her tight just to let her know that she was there. "It's okay. It'll be okay, sweetie. Everything will be okay." she murmured words of comfort.

Amanda had no tears left to cry. She found herself in a warm cocoon and never wanted to leave the safetiness and warmth it offered. She was so greatful for everything Liv had done for her and even after telling her about her childhood, her past and her horrific ordeals, she was still there by her side. She couldn't believe it.

"You still in pain?" Liv asked softly after a few minutes of silence. Amanda just shook her head, still looking embarrassed about what had happened. "How often does this happen, honey? Does it cause you pain during every nightmare?"

"No," a soft voice replied, "just the really vivid ones."

"Have you ever sought medial advice or treatment for it? Counselling? Anything?" Liv wanted to know and was answered by another shake of the bonde head now tucked tightly against her shoulder. "Is it something you've thought about doing or willing to try? I'm just asking because if you do decide to go through with it then I want you to know that I'll be here, every step of the way. You just let me know, okay?"

"Thank you." came the weak and tired reply. Amanda fell asleep again shortly after still wrapped up securely in Liv's strong arms.

Two hours later the doorbell rang. Must be the food, Olivia thought and gently untangled herself from the slumbering form. After paying for the take out and leaving a generous tip, she decided to wake Amanda up. "Amanda? Amanda, sweets?" Liv sat down and stroked her cheek gently to rouse her.

The blonde groaned and slowly turned to face the detective hovering over her with a concerned look. "Oh, my head! Just shoot me now!"

Liv sympathetically ran a hand over Amanda's frowned forehead. "I've got some water and painkillers right here, sweetie. Think you can sit up for me?" she helped Amanda in to an upright position and watched her swallow the tablets and drink most of the liquid. "I ordered some Italian. It just arrived so it's still nice and hot. Think you can eat some?"

Amanda smiled weakly. "Italian is my favourite. Thank you."

Amanda didn't think she would be able to eat much case her stomach and head were still a bit queasy but she surprised herself by finishing her plate rather quickly. Her headache was almost gone, just a dull ache but she didn't want to jump the gun yet. It was probably just the painkillers doing their job.

After cleaning away the dishes Liv suggested that they'd watch a movie together which Amanda agreed to. They both decided on a comedy called 'Spy'. The blond couldn't remember the last time she laughed so much. Her sides and face hurt from constant smiling and laughing and it felt good. "It's nice to see you smile. You have the most beautiful smile, you know that?"

Amanda blushed at Liv's comment and shrugged her shoulders slightly. "Thank you. It's nice to be smiling." they were snuggled up against each other, the blonde resting most of her body weight on Olivia as her strong arms held her close. "I like your smile too, it makes me believe that everything will be okay." she added shyly as the end credits filled the tv screen.

"That's because everything will be okay. I know it." Liv said softly, kissing the blonde hair and tucking a blanket around her small frame. "How's the head and the stomach? Feeling any better?"

The blonde sighed tiredly and stiffled a yawn. "My stomach is fine. My head is... still there. I can feel it's there alright."

"Oh sweetie, I'm sorry. I wish I could bare the pain for you to make it easier on you. You don't deserve anymore pain in your life." Liv gently soothed and rubbed her back slightly.

Amanda chuckled. "Oh no you don't! This pain is awful and I wouldn't wish it on anybody, especially you." she snuggled closer to the warm body and nestled her face into Olivia's smooth neck and sighed in contentment.

They sat like that for awhile, both lost in their own thoughts when suddenly Liv felt soft gentle lips nipping at her skin. Her body reacted immediately as a shiver went through her whole being and she had to hold back a moan. She didn't stop Amanda, just enjoying the feeling of having someone close to her again. It had been so long since anybody had touched her in a sexual and loving way. It felt so good. She ran her fingers through blonde soft curls and tilted her head to the side to give Amanda better access.

The small woman kissed her way up to Olivia's earlobe and pulled it into her warm wet mouth before continuing along her jaw line and to her own lips. The kiss was passionate and tongues met in a hasteful dance of lust. Amanda turned and immediately straddled the tall detective, still keeping the contact of their lips. Liv's hands caressed the blonde's back lazily, letting Amanda set the pace not wanting to scare her off. A moment later the kiss ended and blue met brown.

"I'm sorry for being a tease." Amanda finally said, breathless from the intensity of the heated moment. "I can still... you know, pleasure you, you know. If you want? I mean I don't..."

"Hey, stop that." Liv soothed. "There's no rush. It will take as long as it takes. I'll wait."

"What if I'm never ready? What if I can't do it? What if I freeze up and screw everything up? I know you can't wait forever, I understand that, so if you can't do this just let me know. I... I... I just... I guess I'm..."

"Shhh," Liv ran her hands up and down her back in a soothing gesture and kissed her lightly on the lips, lingering. "I'm not leaving, I'm not going anywhere. I like you Amanda and I promise you that we'll see this through together."

Slowly, Amanda began to kiss her again, putting everything she felt into it and more. She felt so strongly for Liv. She had helped her through so much already in such a short amount of time. She felt things she'd never felt with anyone else before and it felt good. Too good to be true almost. She pulled away slightly and looked into brown pools filled with care and passion. "I think I'm ready." she said in a soft whisper. "I mean, I want to try. I feel like I trust you, well, I know I can trust you... I hope."

"Of course you can trust me, sweetheart. I wouldn't do anything to purposely hurt you. I can wait Amanda. It's okay not to be ready." Liv was so gentle and warm it made the blonde's heart swell with all kinds of emotions. Emotions that she never felt so strongly about before, until now, until Liv.

"I... I want to try." she admitted shyly and kissed Olivia's neck once again, nipping, sucking and licking the tanned soft skin.


	17. Chapter 17

Fix You Chapter 17

They had moved in to the bedroom, the light was soft, almost glowing as Olivia slowly amd tenderly undressed Amanda, planting kisses anywhere and everywhere along the way. She wanted to go slow in case the blonde would change her mind, giving her time to adjust and allow her to stop if she felt the need to.

Amanda was now standing in just her underwear, feeling exposed and slightly cold. "You are so beautiful my sweet." Liv said as she took a step back to take in the beauty that the small blonde possessed. "So very beautiful." she saw the lust in Amanda's eyes but also fear and caution and she didn't want to make her feel like an object being gawked at. Never breaking eye contact, Liv shed her jeans and blouse, leaving her in black lace panties and a matching bra.

Standing half naked face to face made Amanda's heart beat faster and her breathing rapid and heavy. Liv was simply stunning. Her body was just gorgeously toned and curved in all the right places. The brunette reached hehernds out for Amanda to take and when she did, she pulled their bodies together, making their first full skin on skin contact.

The petite blonde gasped at the sensation and she could feel a tingling deep down in her lower belly. It felt warm, soft, safe and simply heavenly to be so close to Liv. Their bodies melted together perfectly and Olivia caressed her naked back reassuringly while kissig her cheeks, nose, temples and eyelids to eliminate any fear or regret that she might be experiencing.

Amanda's legs were too shaky to hold her weight and Liv seemed to notice and, without breaking contact, the taller woman gently urged for them to lay down. They were both under the covers, Amanda's hands wandering, exploring and remembering every curve, freckle and scar she could find. It was bliss. After several minutes of kisses and touches, the blonde surprised Olivia by unhooking her bra, letting the straps fall down her shoulders naturally before fully removing it.

Olivia's dark nipples were hard and errect, begging for attention. Amanda immediately took one in her mouth and sucked gently feeling how the brunette reacted to her touch. The older woman moaned, arching her back to push more of her breast inside the hot mouth that assaulted her. "Oh god." she mumbled between gasps, fighting really hard not to take control over the situation and have her way with Amanda right there and then.

Brushing the blonde's flushed cheek, Liv asked softly, "Can I remove your bra? Is that okay?" she thought she had asked too much too soon but was relieved when finally, after a moment of silence, she nodded. Amanda's breasts were smaller but could still fill up a palm nicely and that's exactly what Olivia had in mind. Never breaking eye contact, she placed her palm over a pink hard bud and gently kneeded it, giving equal attention to both breast and nipple.

Shivering from the overwhelming softness and tenerness of Olivia's touch, she couldn't help but to gasp and then let out a shaky breath. If it felt so good when Liv touched her nipple she could only imagine how good it must feel if she really touched her in the most private of places. Her heart was thumping wildly. So fast and hard she was amazed that Liv couldn't hear it bursting out of her chest. "Oh god!" she moaned, feeling her body react to the pleasurable torture and couldn't stop her eyes from welling up with tears.

"You okay, sweets?" Liv pulled away slightly to look into blue eyes and her heart sank when she saw Amanda's teary gaze. "Oh, sweetheart!" she said softly, removed her hand from a perfect breast and wiped at the salty drops. "Shhh, it's okay my darling, it's okay. You should've told me you wanted to stop. I'm so sorry."

Olivia felt awful for not noticing earlier and berated herself. She brushed the blonde hair away from Amanda's flushed face and kissed her forehead. "Shhh, baby. I'm right here. It's okay."

Amanda shook her head. "It's not what you think. I... I... I'm enjoying this so much and I... I... I'm just... It's..." she sniffled, took a breath and calmed herself. "I want to, I'm just... I'm just a bit... overwhelmed, I guess. I'm sorry if I made you think orherwise. I'm... I'm really enjoying this, I really am and I want to continue, I'm just... scared." she admitted, lowering her head in shame.

"About what, honey? What are you afraid of?" Liv gently urged.

Amanda tried to smile through her tears and drew her shoulders all the way up to her ears, trying to make herself as small as possible. "I don't know. I guess... I guess I'm afraid of what might happen if we do this?"

The brunette gave her a tender look of both care and concern. "What do you think will happen, honey?"

The blonde sighed in defeat and embarrassment. "What if I can't, you know... go all the way. What if I freak out or what if I disappoint you?"

"Shh, honey. You're not going to disappoint me, I can promise you that. If you can't reach an orgasm or freak out, I'll still be here. There's nothing wrong about not being able to come or having a temporary freak out." she smiled and stroked Amanda's cheek with her knuckles, wiping the moisture she found there. "It's okay." a moment of silence passed before Olivia had an idea.

"What if I hold you while you pleasure yourself? That way you might be able to achieve an orgasm. Would that be okay?"

No one, except her mother, had ever shown Amanda such care and concern before. She couldn't believe how kind and gentle Liv was treating her. Nothing was rushed or forced, it was all happening on Amanda's terms, her speed and her pace. Being in control of the situation helped her a lot. Finally she nodded her approval.

Liv kissed her lips lightly and sat up. "Why don't I scoot up behind you and hold you that way? You'll be able to see my hands at all times so you know where they are. I would never touch you in a place you didn't want me to touch you. It's important that you know that, sweetie?"

"I know." Amanda replied shakily, pushed herself up and let Liv crawl behind her. The blonde couldn't stop her body from trembling as Olivia's strong and safe arms encircled her from behind in a loving embrace.

"Shhh, you're okay. I'm just gonna hold you for a while. Just relax. It's okay." the blonde could feel Olivia's errect nipples rubbing against her back and a small pool of juices spilled into her panties. She was so turned on. So horny but also afraid of not being able to pleasure Olivia or herself. When Liv finally began nipping at her neck her fear subsided some.

Olivia slowly began to caress her chest, arms, stomach and breasts, making sushing noises and reassuring her along the way. When she saw Amanda's hand slip down between her legs, inside her panties, she couldn't help but to let out a soft moan. "You're so beautiful. Don't ever forget that." she whispered against Amanda's hot skin of her neck.

The blonde began to work her magic and rubbed her fingers over her swollen clit but soon stopped and swiftly pulled her panties off for better access. She was on fire and she needed her release but she was already working herself up into a frenzy about ending up sexually frustrated and not having achieved her goal. She was also extremely nervous about pleasuring Olivia. What if she did something Olivia didn't like? What if she thought Amanda was useless in bed and that she hadn't a clue what she was doing? The embarrassment alone would be too much.

Olivia had the most exquisite view from where she was situated. She had perfect access to her breasts, neck and ear. Her tight stomach contracting and releasing frantically as Amanda's hand burried itself between two shapely thighs and a neatly trimmed golden patch of curls. The brunette could hear how wet Amanda was as her fingers worked her drenched sex and she wished it was her own hand touching the soft and pink flesh. She continued to kiss and caress every surface she could reach and after a few minutes she could tell that Amanda was so close.

"It's okay. Whatever happens, happens." she soothed and sucked at a nearby earlobe. Amanda was getting frustrated and let out a strangled cry and clenched her jaw shut as her body twitched from tension and stress of not being able to come. She wanted and needed it so badly and would do almost anything to feel and experience that pure heavenly bliss of release. She groaned in frustration as she rubbed her clit harder and faster.

Olivia only felt empathy for the blonde. She was trying so hard but she still didn't seem to be able to relax to the point where her body would calm down enough and just let go. She smoothed a stray lock of hair away from Amanda's sweaty forehead. "Shh, easy. Just relax and let go." squeezing Amanda's nipples firmly she could feel the blonde tense up, and then go completely still before crashing down, her body jerking and trashing around from the intensity of her bilding orgasm.

"That's it, sweetie. Come for me. Oh you're so beautiful. That's it, just let go, shhh. Let it happen, just let it happen." Olivia whispered into a neaby ear as she watched the blonde's legs clench together, trapping her hand as she came hard.

"Fuuuuuck!" Amanda groaned, working her engorged clitoris in circles with her fingers, slowing down the speed slightly before fully coming to a stop and pulling her hand away. Her body was still twitching intermittently from her release even minutes after her glorious high.

They didn't speak. The only sound that could be heard was Amanda's rapid breathing and Olivia's sushing murmurs. She had her arms wrapped tightly around the occasional shivering form, rocking them from side to side while she waited for the pretty blonde to get her bearings.

Amanda finally went limp, her muscles relaxing and her breathing significantly eased up. It had felt good. So so good. She couldn't even remember the last time she had masturbated and succeeded. It must have been a couple of years ago, she thought as she closed her eyes and inhaled deeply. Suddenly she became embarrassed. Liv had seen her masturbate, seen her touching herself, rubbing herself into a crazed frenzy to achieve orgasmic release. She never thought she would be able to go all the way but she had been so wet, so aroused, so stressed and pent up that she had lost all her morals to get what she wanted. What she needed. Now, all she felt was shame and embarrassment.


	18. Chapter 18

Fix You Chapter 18

Olivia held the still body in her arms waiting for some kind of sign that indicated that she was alright or even awake. Her thoughts were answered when she heard Amanda take a shuddering breath of air, curled up into a ball, covered her face with her hands and sobbed.

The older woman became slightly startled by the sudden change but didn't pull away. As the body shook in her arms she began to understand what had caused her to cry in the first place. Olivia knew that she had been worked up, extremely aroused and had fought so hard to get what she wanted and now, when she finally had reached her destination, she obviously felt relief but also embarrassed. Perhaps just simply overwhelmed and emotional.

Amanda shivered and let out a whimper, still covering her face with her hands. Olivia eased up on her hold only so she could reach for the covers and adjust the blonde so she was laying across her lap, holding her almost like a small child. Amanda cried into her hands and drew her knees up as far as they would go. All she wanted was to disappear or have the ground swallow her from underneath but she knew that wouldn't happen.

Olivia continued to rock her from side to side in a soothing motion, comforting her with gentle words of reassurance and care. "Oh baby, shhh. My sweet brave girl. You're okay, sweetness. You're okay." she tried to gently remove Amanda's hands from her face but the blonde only cried harder and refused to look at her. Instead, she turned her head and burried her face in Olivia's chest as she continued to sob.

"Oh darling, it's okay. I'm right here." she soothed gently, tucking the covers tightly around her curled up frame. "Shhh, sush baby, it's okay. I'm so proud of you. You just did something that you were so afraid to do. It takes courage to face our fears, Amanda but you did it. It's okay to feel whatever you're feeling. It's okay, baby girl. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere. You're so beautiful."

Minutes turned into an hour and an hour turned into two. Amanda had stopped crying ages ago but Liv still held and rocked her gently, placing soft kisses on her head and forehead. Just before midnight her back was beginning to hurt and she had to carefully slide out from underneath Amanda's slumbering form and stretch her aching muscles. Looking down at the blonde her heart went out to the poor woman. Her face was red and blotchy, tear marks were still evident and, even with her eyes closed, she could tell that they were puffy and sensitive.

She made her way in to the bathroom, took care of her own business then got a washcloth and wet it with cool water. She sat down quietly on the bed and tenderly started to wipe Amanda's face and neck, removing any tears and sweat. Suddenly a pair of blue eyes, full of sleep, were looking straight at her. "Hi, sweets. How are you feeling?" she whispered into the darkish room while stroking a flushed cheek with the cloth.

"I'm sorry." Amanda murmered, feeling ashamed.

"Why are you sorry?" Liv asked, tilting her head to the side while waiting for an answer.

Amanda began to play with the material of the cover and turned her gaze away. "For... for not, you know... for the way I acted and that I fell asleep on you before I could... you know, return the favour. I'm really sorry I disappointed you. I know you must be... worked up and I..."

"Shh," Liv interrupted by placing a finger across her moving lips. "You have nothing to be sorry for. You didn't disappoint me, you didn't do anything wrong and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Do you hear me? Don't you worry about me, sweetie. It's okay, everything is okay." she smoothed the cloth down her neck and throat. "Just sleep."

Amanda was too tired to keep her eyes open and fell back to sleep shortly after, feeling the tender touch of the detective as if she was the only thing that mattered in the world. When she was finished, she slid back under the covers, pulled a naked Amanda into her arms and drifted off in to a much needed sleep.

Two hours later Liv's phone rang. Groaning and looking at the time she fumbled with her hand on the nightstand, trying to locate it. The screen lit up the room and detective John Munch appeared on the display. "This better be good." she mumbled, not wanting to wake the exhausted blonde next to her.

"Liv, me, Fin and Nick are on our way to your place. The unis reported two men lingering around the building. We're only a few minutes out. Don't go anywhere, stay inside until we clear the scene." Munch spoke fast and she could hear Fin swearing in the background, complaining about Nick's driving skills.

Olivia sat up, suddenly wide awake. "I'm not just gonna sit here and do nothing." her detective voice rang out which caused Amanda to stir.

"That's what I thought." Munch added, sighing. "We think we know who they are. I'm sending you the mug shots as we speak. Just be careful and keep your radio on."

"Okay, see you in a few." Liv hung up and immediately studied the two pictures that John had sent her. "Amanda? Amanda honey?" she gently shook her shoulder, hating the fact that she had to wake her up.

The blonde opened her eyes, looking tired and confused. "What?" she rasped, squinting as the brightness from the screen assaulted her raw eyes.

"Sorry for waking you but I need you to look at two photos for me and tell me if you recognize any of them." Liv handed Amanda her phone and watched as her face changed from confused to terrified in a split second. "Do you know who they are?"

Amanda nodded slowly, her eyes glued to the photos. "Yeah, they were both at the funeral. I met them a few times as a kid and then again when I was a teenager. That's the man who threatened me," she pointed to the first photo, "and the other man is his cousin, I think." she looked up at Liv. "What's going on?"

The brunette got out of the bed, grabbed her gun and radio and threw on a warm cardigan. "I want you to stay here, okay. I don't have time to explain now, just don't open the door for anyone except me or anyone in my squad. Promise?"

The blonde had finished dressing herself at this point and walked up to the detective. "You're scaring me. What's going on? Please, tell me?!" she pleaded, her eyes wide with fear.

Liv placed her hands on Amanda's upper arms and gave them a reassuring squeeze. "I'm just gonna go outside and see if everything is alright. I need you to stay put, okay?"

Amanda held on to Liv's hands firmly, afraid to let go. "No, no please! What's going on? What's happening? Don't go, please. They're here, aren't they? They're here?"

Olivia sighed and took a step closer to the shorter woman. "We're not sure yet so that's why I have to check it out. I'll be back before you know it, okay? I'll be fine, just stay here."

She turned to leave but was stopped by Amanda's strong hands pulling her back. "No, no please! They'll hurt you. Please, don't do this. Please!" her eyes were shining with unshed tears as she begged Liv not to go.

"Honey, I have to, it's my job and if someone is trying to hurt you then I will definitely not sit here and do nothing about it. Munch, Fin and Nick will be here any minute. I'll be fine, we'll all be fine." she reassured as she made her way to the front door and looked through the peephole. Nothing. The corridor was empty and dimly lit. She opened the door slightly and listened for any voices or noise. Still nothing. She turned to Amanda. "Lock the door behind me and don't open it until I say it's safe to do so."

She swiftly slipped out in to the hallway outside, her gun, ready to fire, in her hand and her police radio close. She took a few careful steps towards the stairs, stopped and listened, took another few steps, stopped and listened. Nothing. At least not on this floor. Slowly and very cautiously she took the first few steps down the stairs, listening to any noises that would indicate another presence but she couldn't hear anything but silence and her own heartbeat thumping in her ears. Her adrenaline was pumping wildly.

Then, she heard a faint noise coming from bellow her, probably one or two floors down. She could hear footsteps. Of how many people she couldn't tell but they were loud and clear enough for Olivia to be able to identify what they were. She swallowed repeatedly, trying to moisten her dry throat. "Who's there?" she said, her voice echoing and bouncing through the walls and ceilings.

Suddenly the foorsteps came to a halt and for a second everything went quiet again. Then Olivia could hear the hammer of a gun being pulled, getting it ready to fire, and the footsteps picked up once again but this time faster than before. He was coming her way, rapidly approaching.

She backed away, walking backwards up the stairs she had just descended from, planning to hide behind a pillar just at the top of it. She could feel beads of sweat forming by her temples and forehead as she stood on two somewhat shaky legs, ready to pull the trigger.


	19. Chapter 19

Fix You Chapter 19

Amanda sat on the hardwood floor in the living room, knees up to her chin and arms wrapped around her lower legs. She was listening. Listening for anything, any noise, any crack or any voices. She tried not to breathe as she was afraid someone might hear her through the door. Her body was shaking with fear but also worry. She feared that Liv would put herself in harms way to protect her and she didn't want that on her conscience. She wouldn't be able to live with herself if something happened to Olivia. Wiping at the tears she slowly stood up on trembling limbs, walked up to the door and peeked through the whole. She couldn't see anything. It wouldn't allow her to see very far to either side, left or right, which worried her even futher. She placed her ear tightly against the cold wood of the door and listened.

Olivia was having a hard time to figure out the distance between herself and the approaching footsteps. Each step followed by a slight echo which made it even harder to pin point the perps actual location. She gripped the gun tighter preparing for the worst and waited.

The detective lost track of time. She didn't know how long she had been standing there. It could've been a few seconds or a few minutes, she couldn't tell. She was positioned at the end of the corridor, a few doors down from her own apartment and she really hoped that Amanda would stay inside and not try anything stupid that would jeopardize her safety.

Suddenly a gun appeared from the other side of the pillar and Olivia was quick to react. Kicking the firearm out of the man's hand she poined her own gun towards the perp and immediately recognized him from one of the photos she had been looking at only minutes ago. The gun slid a good few feet away and stopped half way between herself and her apartment door.

"Raise your hands above your head where I can see them." she hissed. "NOW!"

The man slowly lifted his arms and placed his hands on the top of his head and grinned. "You must be detective Benson? I've heard quite a bit about you and, I must say, I didn't think you'd be so attractive." he was calm and collected as he spoke, looking straight in to Olivia's eyes.

"It's over. My squad will be here in a few minutes. It's all over." the brunette replied with a slight smile, trying to intimidate and scare the man in front of her. She took a step closer, walking into his personal space, wanting him to feel the pressure.

"I'm not afraid of your squad, detective and I'm not afraid of you. You have just made a big mistake. A big, big mistake." he snarled, showing of his perfectly white teeth as he chuckled.

Olivia frowned slightly, wondering what he had ment by a big mistake but she didn't get a chance to think about it for too long before something hard connected with her skull from behind. She immediately sank to her knees, dropped the gun and hissed in pain.

The man in front of her let out an evil laugh and picked up the gun she had just dropped. "See what I mean, detective?"

The man stepped out from behind her and, once again, she recognised him as the other man's cousin. "Two against one? You afraid I might kick your sorry ass?" now it was Olivia's turn to chuckle, trying her hardest to intimidate the duo or perhaps she was trying to make herself feel better. She didn't know.

The two men snorted in amusement. "There's two of us plus one gun. How do you plan on kicking our asses? The way I see it, we have the upper hand, detective Benson, and I know that you're hiding something, or rather someone, inside that apartment of yours. A pretty blonde perhaps? Tell me, did you fuck her yet or is she too crewed up for your liking?"

Olivia knew she was in serious trouble. She had no weapon to protect herself with, they were two strong men with a gun plus her head was throbbing like there was no tomorrow. All she could do was to hope that her squad would be here before it was too late. "You son of a bitch!" Liv snarled and clenched her fists in anger.

Again, they chuckled, the echoes travelling down the corridor and back. The man with the gun stepped closer to Liv and pressed the barrel hard against her temple. "Say goodbuy, detective."

She closed her eyes and waited for the trigger to be pulled. Suddenly two shots rang out, only a second between the first and the second. Liv flinched and covered her head with her arms out of reflex. She waited for the pain to kick in but it never did. Did they miss? Why wasn't she dead or injured? Had she imagined it all?

Opening her eyes to see what had happened she spotted the two men laying on the ground, blood pooling out from underneath them. Dead. They were dead. What the fuck just happened? Then, looking up she saw Amanda a few feet away, shaking almost uncontrollably, holding the gun Olivia had kicked out of the perps hand a while ago. She had fired the shots. Amanda had fired and killed them both to save Olivia.

The pain in her head suddenly went away and her attention was fully on Amanda. The blonde was breathing heavily, almost as if she was experiencing an asthma attack. Her eyes were glistening with fear and terror, making her pupils completely black and fully dilated. The hand holding the gun was shaking so bad she could barely hold it.

Olivia snapped out of her buzz and slowly made her way over to where she was standing. "Amanda? Look at me. Please, look at me, sweetheart. It's okay now, everything is okay. We're okay." she spoke slowly and softly so that the blonde would hopefully calm down and realise that they were both safe and unharmed. Alive.

In a matter of seconds the hallway was swarmed with EMT's, unis and her squad. They didn't matter now. Amanda mattered. She ignored the questions, the people around her and Fin calling her name. She was okay. It was all apart of the job and she had been in worse situations before. Amanda was not okay. With the gun still in her shaky hand Olivia placed her warm one on the blonde's arm and gently lowered it before removing it fully.

Fin urged the other's out of their way. The two bodies were declared dead and taken away. There was no need for CSU. The crime scene had already been cleared. It was a good shooting. Olivia never broke eye contact with the blonde. Her hand was still resting on a cold trembling arm. Amanda's pale features and the coldness of her skin spoke of shock. Her breathing was laboured and eyes filled with tears that threatened to fall any second.

The bruntte didn't care who was watching in that moment. She knew that Amanda's legs would not hold her upright much longer and she leaped in to action. Swiftly she scooped her up in her arms and headed towards her apartment. The EMT's insisted on checking her over but felt comfortable in the end, leaving the upset blonde in Olivia's care, telling her to keep her calm and warm.

The brunette walked Fin and Munch to the door. "Let us know if there's anything you need, Liv. We mean it." Fin said in concern and placed a hand on his sergeant's shoulder, giving it a firm squeeze.

Olivia ran her fingers through her hair and sighed tiredly. "Thanks guys. I'll be at the station sometime tomorrow afternoon. Think you can hold the fort until I get there?"

Munch snorted lightly. "Your wish is our command, sarge. Our hands are just as capable as yours... almost." he finished with a smirk. "Get some sleep and keep that blonde woman in there warm. I'm sure you can think of something." he winked wickedly and, before Olivia got the chance to say something smart back, they were already headed down the corridor.

She closed the door, locked it and on the way to the bedroom she grabbed two warm blankets from the blanket box. "Amanda?" she gently called as she entered the room and saw the blonde sitting on the edge of the bed still shaking and breathing heavily. Olivia remembered her first shooting and her first kill. It was something she'd never forget. Even though she had shot and killed a couple of times during her years at SVU it never got easier. She could only imagine what Amanda was thinking and feeling in this very moment. She had probably never held a gun before and now she had shot two people dead. Bad people, but that didn't make it less painful or scary.

She wrapped the two blankets around her shoulders and quickly went in to the kitchen to make a cup of sugary tea. The blonde hadn't moved an inch by the time she got back which worried her even more. She had to help Amanda hold the cup so the hot liquid wouldn't spill everywhere from the tremors. "I need you to drink this, sweetie. It just tea with some sugar, it'll help I promise."

Amanda sipped the beverage carefully but pushed it away when the cup was half empty. Satisfied with the amount she had drank, Liv placed the cup on the nightstand, lowered the petite woman down on the bed, layed down next to her and tucked the covers tightly around them both. "Come here, sweets. Let me hold you and warm you."

Amanda felt cold and stiff in her arms. Almost like a dead body and Liv shuddered at the thought of how close it had come to just that. She rubbed her arms, hips and back, willing warmth and comfort into the chilled form. "It's okay, baby. We're both okay, thanks to you. What you did... I... I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling, sweetheart but I promise you that things will be okay. It's okay to feel whatever it is you're feeling. I'm here, you're here and we're both okay. We're both okay my love. Everything is going to be okay."

She repeated herself over and over to make sure Amanda understood and believed her words. The small body shook in her arms and a sob ripped through her chest. She pulled her tighter towards her own body while continuously stroking and rubbing the ice cold skin. "Shh, baby. Shhh, it's okay, it's alright now. We're okay. I know you're cold but I'll have you warmed up in no time, okay? Just try to relax, honey. Just relax and let go of whatever you're feeling. It's just you and me here and I'm not gonna let anything happen to you. It's over now. It's all over, sweetie. I've got you. Shhhh, I've got you."

It took Amanda almost two hours to fully calm down before she eventually feel in to an exhausted sleep, the odd shiver washing over her body from time to time, but Olivia was there to sooth her pain and fear throughout the night.


	20. Chapter 20

Fix You Chapter 20

Liv woke from the sun streaming in through the window, warming her face like a soft caress. Having her eyes closed she inhaled deeply, smelling the intoxicating scent of Amanda. Turning gently under the covers she glanced at the still sleeping blonde, hair toussled and snoring softly. She brushed blonde tresses away from a sleep flushed face and stroked her cheek. She was warm. Finally, she felt warm. Olivia had woken up on several occasions during the night, worried about how Amanda was doing, to find her girlfriend still cold and shivering even in her unconscious state. She was now relieved to find her warm to the touch and appeared to be sleeping soundly.

Feeling her bladder about to burst she carefully slid out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Coffee was next on the agenda and she sighed in contentment when the hot liquid ran down her throat, feeling the bittersweet taste fill her mouth. She took another few sips before filling up her cup again, knowing that she would probably need the extra caffeine today.

"LIV!"

Quickly she put the cup on the kitchen counter and ran in to the bedroom where an disoriented Amanda was sitting up in the bed, looking slightly disheveled. "Hey, hey, sweetie. I'm here. I'm right here." Liv pulled her into a secure embrace, running her hand up and down Amanda's back. "Shh, I'm here, baby."

"I'm sorry." the blonde cried softly. "I... I had a dream and I... it was about last night and when I woke up you... you weren't here and I thought that... that... that you were... that you were... that..."

"Oh, baby. I'm right here. I'm right here next to you... holding you." Liv soothed and began rocking them both from side to side.

"Don't die. You can't die." Amanda pleaded. "You can't leave. Don't ever leave." she shuddered in fear that the dream had brought on and she clung to the brunette so tightly as if someone was about to rip them apart forever.

Olivia felt her chest tighten at the desperate plea and fought against tears that were threatening to fall. "I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I'm right here with you and we're both safe and unharmed. I'm not leaving, I promise. I'll never leave you." within a few mintes Amanda had calmed down enough so that Liv felt it was okay to pull back and look at the teary eyed blonde. "You okay, baby?" she tilted her head slightly, cupped her face and stroked the defined cheekbones with her thumbs.

Amanda just nodded and let out a shaky breath. "Yeah. Yeah, I'm okay. I'm okay."

Liv tucked the blankets tightly around her. "You still cold?" she asked worried. The blonde shook her head. "Okay, how about some breakfast in bed?" the brunette suggested with a reassuring smile.

"You don't have to go through any trouble bacause of me. I mean... I just...i don't want to be a burden or..."

"Hey," Liv interrupted and placed a loving kiss on Amanda's lips. "You're no trouble and you're not a burden so stop saying that. You could never be a burden, sweetheart. Never." another kiss was placed upon Amanda's rosy lips. "Now, don't move and I'll be back in a few minutes."

After a healthy breakfast, a hot shower and a few more kisses Olivia had to make an appearance down at the precinct, she also had to show her face in court as moral support for a victim on a previous case. She hated to leave Amanda on her own so she suggested that she could come with her to the station but the offer was turned down.

"I'll be fine. It would just be awkward if I hang around at the station all day. I know you have a job to do, a very important job at that, so please don't worry, I'll be okay." Amanda insisted, trying to convince herself more than Olivia.

The detective didn't look convinced but couldn't force the blonde to do anything she didn't want to do. "Okay," she said reluctantly, "but if you need me, for anything, just call me. I mean it!" she looked Amanda straight in the eye as the blonde nodded. "I should be home around seven. Just take it easy today, okay? Stay warm and get some rest."

Amanda smiled at the gentle concern Olivia showed her and almost found it hard to speak. "I will." she said softly and they shared another kiss before departing.

Getting some rest was easier said than done. She watched some tv, cleaned up the kitchen, took a bath, flickered through some magazines and tried to read a book but her mind was wandering in different directions. She couldn't concentrate and began to feel restless and anxious. Not having Liv around to distract her or keep her mind in a straight line proved to be difficult. The brunette had already text her twize in the space of two hours to see if she was doing alright.

Amanda felt guilty that Liv worried so much. They were just getting to know each other and it was also a very bad time to start a relationship, any kind of relationship, concidering the circumstances that she found herself in. Olivia didn't deserve any of this! She was too kind, too understanding and too empathetic for her own good. The brunette always seemed to know what Amanda was thinking or feeling before she even knew it herself and, if she couldn't put a word to the feelings she had, Olivia would.

She found herself smiling at the thought of the passionate and caring detective and it scared her. What was she doing? What could Olivia possibly see in her? She was damaged goods, a broken soul and a lost cause. She had nothing to offer Olivia. Nothing at all. Why was she still here? In her apartment, pacing up and down her corridors, waiting for her to come home like a needy puppy, desperate for love and affection. Was she needy? Was Amanda Rollins needy? No, she told herself firmly. Needy was not her thing. Needy was something she just didn't do. She had never been a needy person and she was not about to change that, not now, not ever. Her thoughts went back to this morning when she had shamelessly clung to Liv, begging her not to leave, unable to stop the flow of tears that ran down her cheeks. She hated herself for it. If that wasn't needy, I don't know what is, she angrily thought, hitting the wall with her fist.

"Fuck." Amanda hissed between clenched teeth and ran her fingers through her hair angrily. Why was the brunette constantly on her mind? She shook her head to clear it but it was useless. Finally she gave up trying to push Olivia out of her mind, grabbed her stuff and headed out the door, not thinking clearly or rational at all.

Liv headed straight back to her apartment after the court hearing. She got pizza on the way, hoping Amanda would like goats cheese and pesto. Opening the door she immediately noticed how quiet it was. She's probably resting like I old her to, Liv though and placed the sixteen inch pizza box on the kitchen counter and tip toed down the hallway and peeked through the small crack that had been left open. It was too dark to make out anything in the almost pitch black room. Turning on the light in the hallway, to see better, she was faced with an empty room. "Amanda?" she called out. Nothing. "Amanda, you in here?" she made her way to the bathroom but also discovered it empty.

"Amanda!" her voice was now louder and filled with concern. Where was she? Where could she have gone? Was she okay? What had happened to her? God, not again, she thought desperately as she ished her cellphone out of her pocket. After informing Fin what was going on, making him promise to call her if he found out something new, she ran out the door and went to search for the missing blonde.

The detective broke several speed limits on the way to Amanda's old condo thinking that she, for some reason, might have gone back there. Once again her hope was distinguished as the condo was locked and sealed up, dark and empty. "Fuck." she muttered and ran her fingers through her dark shoulder length hair. Quickly she got back in her car and sped down the road to Alex's place. Again, empty and deserted. "Where are you Amanda?" she said to herself trying to figure out where she might have gone. The only place she could think of was the restaurant. Maybe she got bored and decided to go in to work for awhile? But she would've told me if that was the case? Thoughts were running rampant through her head and, once again, the law against speeding was the last thing on her mind.

The restaurant was in full swing, not one single seat available as far as Olivia could see and the waiters were busy taking orders, serving five star dishes and taking payments with a presumptively large tip. As soon as she walked through the expensive glass doors a petite red head approached her immediately.

"Good evening, welcome to The Rising Tide, do you have a reservation?" the stranger asked politely.

"Good evening," Liv responded back, "I don't have a reservation but I am looking for the owner, Amanda Rollins, is she here?"

The red head pursed her lips and frowned slightly. "I don't think so. I haven't seen her today. If you don't mind waiting a couple of minutes I can find the second in charge for you?"

"That would be helpful, thank you." Olivia swept her eyes over the enlarged menu hanging on the wall in the entrance and made a confused face. She could barely pronounce half of the dishes printed. It was all in French and she had no idea what they ment.

"Ah, you're Amanda's friend, right? Olivia is it? My name is Mags. I'm the boss when the boss is not around." she smirked cheekily and reached out her hand.

Liv accepted the strong grasp with a firm shake. "Nice to meet you Mags and yes, I'm Olivia." Mags was dressed similar to what Amanda had been wearing the night the whole squad had been invited for dinner. Chef pants, white shirt and neck tie and a tall hat to top if of. She looked really proffesional. "I'm looking for Amanda, have you seen her today? Did she contact you at all? I can't seem to find her and it's important that I do."

Mags sighed and shook her head. "She's been acting really strange lately. Amanda has always been a private person and sometimes you literally have to drag things out of her. I know when not to push or ask questions. I always let her come to me, which hardly ever happens. I know her father died recently but as far as I know they weren't close, I would say they were estranged." Mags studied Olivia's worried features and saw how much she cared about Amanda. She had seen it that night when Olivia had stayed behind to talk to Amanda and she could see it now.

"Look," Mags said and took a step closer to the tall detective, "I hate to think that I invaded my friend's privacy but I can tell that you only wants what's best for her and that you care. There's a place in Central Park, the south entrance. Pass the cafe, follow the footpath until you see a small, hardly noticeable trail, leading up to your left. Follow that trail and you'll eventually come to a small pond secluded by trees and bushes, try there."

Olivia let out a sigh of relief. "Thank you so much. Have a good night." she left, ran back to her car and drove off.


	21. Chapter 21

Fix You Chapter 21

Frustration and anger, boiling furiously inside her whole body. It was hard to think about anything else but how weak and pathetic she had been over the past few days. He was dead. Her father was dead. Dead and burried, six feet under the surface and she still couldn't get him out of her mind. He was constantly there, his evil grin, his rotten breath, the yellow teeth and his fowl body odour. It was always there, in front of her, imprinted on her retina and every time she closed her eyes he was there smirking at her. It was enough to make her sick to her stomach.

"Damn Rollins, get it together." she cursed at herself, feeling her chest tighten and tears pricking her eyes and her throat was burning from ignored emotions that she tried so hard to push away. She slammed her fist against the trunk of a tree. The anger got the better of her and she gave it another powerful blow. The pain shot up her arm but the majority of it spread itself across her knuckles and fingers. The skin was broken and blood began to slowly seep out from the wounds. She watched how the crimson red liquid filled her cuts before spilling over and trickled down the back of her hand. It wasn't much but it was enough or Amanda to forget about everything even though it was only for a few seconds. She was about to get ready for another punch when a soft voice stopped her. Olivia.

The brunette followed the directions she had been given. She was now making her way down the narrow trail. It had gotten cold and dark. The sun was just setting and she knew that within thirty minutes there'd be no light to direct her, but being a cop she usually kept a flashlight in the glove compartment in her car. The bright beam of light made it easier to navigate through the bushy terrain as she walked further down along the path. She shivered slightly and pulled the zipper on her jacket all the way up to her chin to keep warm. It wasn't freezing, just cold enough to feel the chill piercing your skin.

Suddenly she saw a flash of something that could only be explained as water. It must be the pond Mags was talking about, Liv thought and hurried her steps, desperately hoping that Amanda was there safe and sound. "Amanda?!" she called out softly into the gloomy light.

Amanda froze, her hand in midair. What was she doing? This was not going to solve anything. Slamming you fist against a tree until you bleed is not gonna make things go away, except for the pain. The pain she felt inside would lessen if the physical pain became too much. That was her only conciliation. But Liv didn't deserve this. Sha had done nothing but help her since day one and this was not something she should have to deal with too. "Fuck." she muttered between tears and couldn't hold back a sob as she tried to hide her hand behind her back.

Olivia turned her head in the direction of the sob. She could make out the silhouette of a woman with blonde hair. It couldn't be anyone else but Amanda. Who else would be out here in the cold crying with nothing but a jumper and a pair of jeans. She must be frozen, Olivia thought alarmingly. In a few long strides she was near enough to touch the blonde but didn't in case it would scare her. "Amanda, honey? You okay? I've been looking for you."

The blonde wiped at her face and managed a small smile. "Um, I just needed some air. I'm fine." her head was bent so the tears that were brimming in her eyes couldn't be seen. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to worry you." she swallowed at the lump in her throat.

"Honey," Liv said softly. She placed her hand under Amanda's chin and brought her head up. "Why didn't you tell me where you were going?" her voice was soft and comforting, not angry at all, which surprised Amanda.

"I... I... I don't... I... I just thought that..." she sighed and ran her hands over her face in frustration, completely forgetting about the bloodied knuckles.

Olivia gasped at the sight. "Oh sweetie! What did you do? What did you do to yourself?" she gently grabbed her arm and studied it closer, looking at each cut that were still slowly seeping with blood.

Amanda tried to pull her arm away but Liv was stronger and she immediately gave up. "I had a fight with a tree. You should see the tree." she chuckled, trying to make a joke out of a bad and uncomfortable situation.

Olivia didn't register the joke. Her mind was set on the well-being of the woman in front of her. Suddenly she realized just how cold Amanda's skin felt compared to her own and she quickle discarded her jacket and wrapped it around small shivering shoulders. "Come on, let's get you home, warmed up and then I'll take a look at your cuts, okay? Come on, sweets."

As they made their way down along the narrow path it suddenly hit Amanda how stupid she had been. Liv was here because she simply wanted to be here. She could easily have left her here, not even bothering to look for her, if she so wished. But she was here and she had spent her valuable time to go look for her and that ment something, didn't it? The feeling of shame and embarrassment took over and she, yet again, felt like she was nothing but a burden to the detective. Liv deserved better than this. She stopped dead in her tracks, causing Olivia to halt, looking down at the shivering blonde.

"I'm sorry." Amanda whispered. "I'm so so sorry. I... I didn't mean to worry you. I... I don't want to be a burden to you. Maybe it's best if I go to a hotel? I just... I just feel like I can't do anything right. I know you're angry and I deserve it so maybe it's for the best if we don't..."

"Amanda," Liv interrupted her rambling, "we don't have time for this. You're shaking from the cold and your hand is bleeding. All I can say is that I'm not mad, I'm not angry, you're not staying at a hotel and you're not a burden. I will keep telling you that until you believe it. Now, please let's get you out of this cold."

They made their way back to Olivia's car and turned the heating up on full blast. There was a silence between the two. Not an awkward silence or an uncomfortable one, just a peaceful and calm quietness that was filled with so many emotions, feelings and thoughts that couldn't be heard, only sensed. Liv stole a quick glance at the blonde next to her and noticed that her eyes were closed. Dark circles were evident under her crystal clear blue eyes and she looked drained and worn down in general. Olivia wondered when she last had had a good nights sleep or a proper rest.

"We're here." Olivia's soft voice roused her from sleep. As they walked towards the building the brunette slipped her arm around Amanda's back for support and she could feel the small body lean in to hers. It was almost a repeat of last nights procedure of blankets and tea to warm the woman up. Wrapped in a thick woolly quilt she sat by the kitchen table and watched as Olivia gently tended to her cuts while sipping a sweet tea.

"There," she stated and put a large gauze over her knuckles and taped it in place, "hopefully it won't scar." Amanda just shrugged. She didn't care about scars. She had plenty of them, physical, emotional and psychological. Another mark wouldn't change anything. "Amanda," Liv said softly, "why did you do this to yourself?" Again the blonde shrugged and lowered her head in shame. "I know you don't want to talk about it but I need you to tell me what was going through your head today? Why did you sort to this, sweetie?"

She waited patiently for Amanda to give her an answer. Her heart ached for the pretty blonde, who sat next to her, looking so sad and lost. She reached out a hand and gently rubbed her back, willing warmth in to her chilled frame.

"I... I was ashamed." Amanda finally said in a whisper.

"Why, sweetheart? You have nothing to be ashamed of." Olivia kept a low and soothing voice. Her victim voice.

Amanda sniffled and fought back tears, hating herself for crying again in front of the stoic detective. "I feel... I feel like a burden. Like I can't do anything right. I killed two people. I know it was self defense and I was only trying to protect you. I'm not sorry that I did it but I... I just... I just can't get the images out of my head." she began to rock back and forth on the wooden chair and placed her hands over her face as if to help block the memories from appearing. "I just want it all to go away." she cried, "I was never weak or vulnerable and suddenly I... I feel... I feel so pathetic and fragile and I hate it! I fucking hate it! I just want it all to go away! Why can't it just go away?" sobs escaped her throat and she looked at Liv as if she would have the answers she was looking for. "Why?" her eyes pleaded and Olivia fought against her own tears. Her chest ached for this woman who had gone through so much in such a short period of time.

Gently, without permission, she scooped her up in her arms and carried the light weight in to the bedroom. Amanda's body was shaking from powerful sobs and perhaps also for being out in the cold for so long. Olivia held on and cooed softly in her ear. "Shh, baby. It's okay, it's okay to cry and feel vulnerable, it just shows that you're human. We all feel weak and fragile at some stage in our lifes and that's totally normal. Just accept it, sweetie. It's okay, just let it go. Let it all out, I've got you. Shh."

As Amanda cried into her chest, soaking her shirt with her salty tears, the detective lowered them both down onto the bed, sitting up against the headboard so she had a better angle to hold and soothe the distraught blonde. She pulled the covers over them for extra heat and began to slowly move her upper body from side to side, tenderly stroking blonde hair, rubbing her hand up and down her back and placed gentle and comforting kisses on her head and forehead.

"Oh my baby. You are strong. You are so so strong. You've gone through so much, too much. Nobody should have to go through what you did but look at you now. You're here, you are such a beautiful, intelligent, independent and loving person and I'm honoured to know you. You survived all of this alone but I'm here now, sweetie. You don't have to fight alone anymore. I'm right here for whatever you need. You're not a burden, never a burden, and you have nothing, and I mean nothing, to be ashamed of. I'm here and I will do whatever it takes to make you feel safe, loved and protected. I'm right here. Right here, sweetheart."

The sobs had lessened and were now just miserable little sniffles. A few minutes passed and Olivia was almost sertain that Amanda had fallen asleep when she heard a tiny voice coming from underneath her chin. "Safe." she mumbled. "You make me feel safe, loved and protected." she whispered and fought against sleep.

Olivia pulled her tighter against her body and couldn't help but to smile. "I'm glad sweetheart. I'm glad, cause you deserve it." she began to lower them both so they could lay down and be more comfortable. "Shh, just go to sleep, honey and you'll feel better in the morning."

"Nightmares." Amanda whimpered, already half asleep.

"Shhh, shhh. I'll be here. I'll be right here next to you the whole time. Nothing can hurt you, baby. You're safe. You're safe, sweetness."

As Olivia continued to whisper words of comfort and reassurance, Amanda slowly drifted of, her breathing became heavy, her body relaxed and her tears dried. Olivia stayed awake long in to the night, watching over her love, making sure she was sleeping peacefully and also preparing herself for nightmares that were bound to come.


	22. Chapter 22

Fix You Chapter 22

Liv must have fallen asleep eventually because she woke up from a sudden scream piercing the silence of her slumber. Amanda had also woken up from her own scream and was now sitting up, breathing rapidly, a layer of sweat covering her face and neck and her eyes were wide open as if she was too scared to ever close them again. Olivia quickly sat up and placed her palm on Amanda's heaving chest. "Shh, slow down sweetheart. It's okay, it was just a dream. It can't hurt you."

Amanda grabbed a hold of Olivia's hand, that was placed just above her heart, in a fierce grip. "S... sorry. I'm sorry." she stuttered while trying to keep her breaths slow and steady.

"Hey, you've got nothing to be sorry for." Olivia brushed blonde tangled hair away from her sweaty forehead. "You wanna tell me about it? About your dream?"

Amanda just shook her head furiously and her breathing picked up again. "No... no! I... I can't... not now, please!" she pleaded.

"Okay, okay... you're okay." the detective watched her struggle with the horrible memories that had appeared in her dream and it broke her heart in to tiny little jagged pieces. "Just breathe, honey."

"I... I'm... trying." The smaller woman was still tightly holding Liv's hand as if her life depended on it. Olivia was at a loss. She didn't know what to do to help and it frustrated her tremendously. A thought crossed her mind. Something she had read in a study about the calming effects of skin to skin contact and how mother's used it to calm their babies in their early days. It also said that a touch, by skin to skin contact, in adults had proven to lower the levels of cortisol, the main culprit to stress.

"Amanda, do you trust me?" the brunette dipped her head to look in to blue frightened eyes. She didn't answer. She just held Olivia's gaze for what seemed like forever before she finally nodded. Swiftly she pulled her top and bra off and threw them on to the floor, not caring where they might end up. Slowly she reached for the bottom of Amanda's top and began to gently tug at it. Immediately the blonde pulled away, looking slightly confused and scared. Blue eyes found themselves so drawn to Olivia's bare chest and she couldn't ignore the fact that she was completely naked from her hips up. She looked simply ravishing.

"Shh, trust me." Liv whisperped in a nearby ear. When she felt Amanda relax a bit, she removed her top in one swift motion and tossed it to the side to join the rest of the clothes scattered on the floor. She brought their bodies together, the silky smooth surface of Olivia's bare skin caused Amanda to shiver and gasp. The sensation had an almost immediate effect and the blonde and she began to gradually calm down. Olivia lowered them both down, positioning Amanda's upper half on top of her, running lazy patterns with her fingertips over her well defined back.

Amanda just layed there listening to the steady heartbeats underneath her ear and focused on her breathing. She didn't know how much time had passed or if Olivia was still awake. It now became too difficult to ignore the half naked brunette under her. The smoothness of Olivia's voluptuous beasts and dark nipples were only a few inches away from her lips. The sudden need to pull one of the darkened bud in to her mouth overwhelmed her and she could no longer hold back the desire and passion she felt for this woman. Bringing her head down she instantly slipped the waiting nipple in to her hot mouth, flicked it with her tongue and sucked it firmly.

Olivia gasped at the sudden, but welcoming gesture, and automatically pushed her chest upwards, giving Amanda better access and angle. A moan escaped her throat as the blonde let go of her nipple with a loud pop and moved her attention to the other. Amanda was already so aroused, so wet and so desperate to feel Olivia squirm under her touch, begging for more and watch her come. Nothing mattered anymore, she had to have her.

She could already spot a bead of sweat on Olivia's upper lip as she released her other, now reddend, nipple and went straight for the brunette's slightly parted lips and kissed her fiercely. Their tongues met instantly and fought for dominance but Olivia finally gave up, sensing that Amanda needed to be in control. "Amanda? Amanda, sweetie?" Liv panted. Amanda just lifted her head and stared at her, her eyes full with desire and need. "You sure about this? I don't want you to feel like you have an obligation to return..." her words were cut of by Amanda's hungry mouth.

"I want this... I want you." she whispered against Olivia's lips and continued her pleasurable assault. Eventually a small hand travelled down a tanned tight stomach and came to rest by the waistband of her pants asking for permission. She didn't get a verbal response but when Liv pushed her hips up from the bed, Amanda didn't waste any time and pulled them off together with her underwear. She stared at the body laying all exposed next to her, her eyes could barely register the beauty, strength and power that this woman possessed and it simply amazed her. She ran her hands and fingers over every curve, every freckle and every imperfection she could find, feeling Olivia's body react under her touch and how her breathing became laboured. "You are beautiful." the blonde whispered and peppered small loving kisses down along her tight abdomen until her lips reached dark corse curls.

Liv moaned and automatically spread her legs further apart and Amanda could instantly smell her arousal and feel the heat radiating from Olivia's wet sex. The brunette gasped when she suddenly felt Amanda's soft fingers spread her lips and immediately latched on to her engorged clitoris. "Oh fuck!" she moaned and felt a skilled tongue starting to caress her moist flesh.

Amanda hummed in to Olivia's pussy, causing her lips to create a soft vibrating motion and Liv shot her hips up in the air for more. "Yes, oh god!" she breathed, feeling herself getting lost in the sweet torture that Amanda so willingly offered. While she suckled on the bundle of nerves she could feel her own panties filling up with her juices and, while she flickered Olivia's clit with her tongue, she slipped her own hand into the waistband of her pants and spread her lips. Her hand was instantly coated with her fluids and she began to pleasure herself in the same rythm as she was pleasuring Olivia.

"Ah, right there, sweetheart. Right there! Oh, fuck!" the brunette squirmed and twitched, desperate for more, desperate for release that was rapidly building deep within her core. "Oh, Amanda sweetie, right there. Please don't stop... don't stop." the blonde picked up the speed of her tongue and added more pressure which caused Olivia to scream out. "Oh my god, I'm coming... I'm coming... I'm coming! Yes!" her hips raised from the matress and her while body went ridgid before it suddenly went limp and crashed back down.

Amanda placed a few gentle kisses upon her pubic bone before crawling back up and kissed her passionately on the lips. Olivia could taste herself upon Amanda's bruised and plump lips as her body shook from the aftermath of the intense orgasm. "Thank you." Amanda whispered.

Liv frowned. "I should be the one thanking you. That was amazing sweetie. Thank you." she brought the small body close and just enjoyed the after glow of their love making. "Did you... um, did you come?" Liv questioned, as she had seen Amanda slip her hand down her pants only a little while ago.

The blonde blushed and shook her head. "No, but that's okay. I'm okay." she shyly stated and snuggled closer in to the warm body of the brunette.

Olivia kissed her head and ran her fingers down her naked back, causing Amanda to shiver and goosebumps covered her arms and neck. "Would you like to? I mean, I could hold you while you touch yourself?" she whispered gently, not wanting the blonde to feel embarrassed or awkward.

Then Amanda did something that startled Olivia. She carefully slid her pants and underwear off and tossed them on the floor. It was now or never, Amanda thought. She needed to conquer her fears, to take that one step further and reach a new goal. If she didn't do it now then the moment would end and she would regret not embracing it or for even trying. "I want you to touch me." she whispered and looked in to Olivia's dark brown eyes full of passion, lust, want and need.

The detective could feel her heart picking up it's speed, thumping against her rib cage and was almost certain that Amanda could hear it echoing in the room. "Are... are you sure? I mean, I don't want to make you uncomfortable or pressure you in to anything. I understand that you need time and that's okay, sweetheart. Don't feel like you have to because of me. I can wait."

She felt Amanda crawl on top of her, straddling her on all fours and locked her eyes with Liv's. "No, now." she reached for Olivia's right hand and brought it to her heated center, pressing against it and letting out an involontary gasp at the first contact. No one had touched her there, in a loving and caring way, for such a long time. She had almost forgotten how good it felt and how aroused she actually was because of this woman.

"Oh baby." Liv whispered in to her ear as the warm juices covered her fingers and hand. It felt amazing to be able to touch Amanda like this. She was so soft and warm, velvety like. "You're so wet, sweetheart. So wet and beautiful." Liv continued to reassure as she gently began to explore Amanda's heated sex with her long fingers, moving up and down, side to side, creating circles over her swollen pleasure bud.

"Oh god, Liv!" she gasped and couldn't help but to rock her hips against Olivia's hand, causing the detective's didgits to slide through the wetness, her juices creating a noise from the steady rythm. When Amanda's thrusts got harder and faster Liv decided to flip them over so she was on top to get a better angle. "I'm just changing positions. You're still in charge, honey. Just go with what your body tells you."

Olivia layed on her side, her upper body covering Amanda's while her right hand was burried between two shapely thighs. The blonde continued to rock her hips against the detective's skilled hand, hard and fast, as if she couldn't get enough. The brunette glanced down towards where her fingers were planted and watched as Amanda thrust her hips forcefully against them, making it so easy for her long didgits to slide through her wetness. Amanda did all the work as Olivia just held her hand in place to let the blonde create her own rythm and speed but after a while she sensed that it was not going to be enough for the small woman to come. She needed more friction, speed and pressure.

As Amanda was shamelessly grinding herself against her hand, Olivia began to move in time with her thrusts. The blonde let out a loud cry and tried desperately to pick up the pace a bit more. She was so close. So so close. All she needed was a few more strokes and thrusts and she would fall over the edge and come undone.

Olivia could smell her arousal in the room, which turned her on immensely. It was like a drug to her system and she needed more of it but she also knew that Amanda wouldn't be ready or comfortable having Olivia going down on her. Instead she lowered her head slightly closer to Amanda's steaming sex and took a deep breath. "Oh, you smell so good honey. So so good." her voice was soft and sultry, dripping with need and desire.

That did it for Amanda. Her hips shot up forcefully, Olivia picked up her pace and within a couple of seconds the blonde was mercilessly crashing down, a gush of fluids hit the detective's hand and landed on the sheets. "Oh god, Liv! Yes, yes... Oh fuck!"

As her body slumped back against the bed her body was shaking from the orgasm she just experienced. She had never came like that before. Never so intense, so earth shatteringly pleasurable. She gasped as Liv gently removed her soaked hand and was surprised to see the brunette lick every finger clean. "You taste just as good, sweetheart. Oh my god, you are so beautiful." she kissed the blonde beneath her, moaning into her mouth and slowly soothed her body back to reality.


	23. Chapter 23

Fix You Chapter 23

As Amanda opened her eyes, she was immediately met with dark sleepy brown, looking at her with care and concern. "Good morning. Did you sleep okay, baby?" Olivia asked and stroked a flushed cheek.

Amanda smiled and stretched her limbs. "Morning." she gave Liv a light kiss on the cheek. "I slept really good actually. No nightmares or problems sleeping. You?"

"I slept wonderfully because I had you next to me." the brunette stated with a grin.

Amanda rolled her eyes in amusement. "You can be quite cheesy when you want to be." Olivia just laughed and planted a chaste kiss on the blonde's lips. "Thank you, by the way, for last night." Amanda shyly said and began to fidget with the bed sheets. "It um,... it was great. Really really great." she blushed deeply and avoided looking Liv in the eye. "Like... really great." she finished and could feel her cheeks burning from embarrassment.

Olivia smiled and had to bite her lip so she wouldn't laugh at how adorable Amanda was in this very moment. Her bright red face made a significant colour contrast against the white bed linen. "Well," she added slowly and tucked a stray of blonde hair behind her ear. "thank you for letting me make it great."

"Cheese." Amanda stated again and burried her face in her pillow. Olivia laughed and began to tickle the younger woman and she couldn't help but to giggle when she heard Amanda's contagious laughter ring out.

"Stop, stop, please!" she shrieked and curled up into a ball trying to get away from Olivia's tickling touch. "I'll pee my pants."

"You're not wearing any pants, sweetie." Olivia said amused and continued her assault.

"Then I'll pee the bed of you don't stop." the blonde laughed. Liv immediately took her hands away and held them up in the air.

"Well, we don't want that happening." she smiled as the blonde quickly made her way to the bathroom, completely naked. Two minutes later she entered the bedroom and saw Liv already getting dressed. "I just got a call, honey. I have to go, I'm really sorry." she tied the button on her black jeans, stood up and walked over to a naked Amanda, trying not to stare and make her feel uncomfortable. Her beauty was radiating and Liv couldn't help but to place a soft kiss on her chest while her hands wandered down her sides before they came to a rest at the curve of her lower back. "Will you be okay?"

Amanda shivered at the touch and smiled. "I'll be fine. I promise, no running away. I have to go into work for a while anyways." she made a brief pause. "I also have to ring Alex's insurance company and see what the story is and when I can move back in."

Liv pursed her lips slightly. "There's no need honey. It's been taken care of and Alex have ordered a new kitchen already. It's being fitted as we speak. I just forgot to tell you after... after, you know, everything that's been happening." Amanda bent her head in shame. "Hey," Liv comforted and brought her head back up with gentle fingers. "It's not your fault, okay? It's not your fault."

"I'm going to visit my mother's grave today." Amanda blurted out after a couple of seconds of silence between the two. "I... I feel like I need to go... for me."

Olivia looked slightly startled and took a small step back. Realizing that the blonde was still naked, she reached for her robe and wrapped it around petite shoulders. "Do you want me to come with you?" she offered gently, thinking that she might need some kind of support.

Amanda shook her head. "No, I need to do this on my own but thank you for offering."

Liv just placed a loving kiss on her lips and said, "Always."

Olivia headed off to the precinct with a faint smile on her lips as she tought of the blonde. Last night had been fantastic and she hoped that from now on things would get better for Amanda, herself and their relationship. It had been a breakthrough that Amanda had let her touch her in the most intimate way and she could almost still smell the sex in the air as she walked in to her office. "It's nice to see a smile on your face, Liv. What gives?"

Of course detective Munch had spotted her grin and had to comment, proud of himself for noticing it. "Munch, get your head out of the gutter." Liv stated, still smiling.

"You know her birthday is coming up, right?" he asked amused. As a matter of fact Liv did know that the blonde's birthday was only a week away and she was quite anxious about what to get her. She had an idea but didn't know how well it would go down.

"Thanks for the update, John. You're better than Facebook." she said laughing and sat down by her desk.

"Always eager to please, sarge." he saluted and headed in to an interrogation room where a perp was brewing up a foul mood.

Amanda spent five hours at work, changing around things on the menu and keeping things organized and on track. Mags came in with a smile. "Did your girlfriend find you? Did you kiss and make up?"

The blonde through a pen at her but Mags were too quick and easily dodged it. "What?" she said and picked up the discarded pen and handed it back. "Just interested."

"Yeah well, you should be more interested in your own love life. How long have you been single now?" the blonde asked sarcastically but not in a mean way.

Mags sat down on the desk where Amanda was filling out paperwork. "The reason I'm single is because I'm working crazy hours and I have a very demanding boss who won't give me some time off to mingle and socialize." she gave Amanda a nudge in the shoulder and laughed as she looked at her boss's facial expression. "Just kidding, you're not that bad." she winked.

Amanda pursed her lips in a contemplating manner. "Do you know what? You're absolutely right. I'm gonna give you next week off, paid." she saw Mags beginning to protest but stopped her before she could utter a sound. "Don't say anything. Well, except a 'thank you' would be nice. Just accept it before I change my mind." Mags surprised Amanda with a wet sloppy kiss on her cheek.

"Thank you." she whispered in to her boss's ear and planted another loud kiss on the same spot.

"Eww," Amanda made a face and used her sleeve to wipe at the wet area. "now go, before I definitely change my mind." Mags smiled happily and skipped down the corridor towards the kitchen. Amanda couldn't help but to smile at her friends behaviour. They always messed around with each other, cursing, arguing and the occasional slap was to be expected between the two. It was never serious, they just liked the banter and making fun of one another. It was mutual and they had the same kind of humor and similar in their personalities.

Amanda stayed for another hour, wanting to finish off her dry stock order list before leaving. Her stomach tightened at the thought of going to her mother's grave for the first time. Even though she was no longer with her in the physical world she was still embarrassed and ashamed for not doing this earlier. It felt like she had no right to suddenly show up after all this time. What would she say if she was still alive? Would she be mad at her for not visiting? Would she be angry and disappointed that, after all these years, she would pick today of all days to see her? Suddenly she didn't feel like going at all, too afraid of what her mother would think or say. Even though it was a difficult and a hard thing to do, she still pushed herself into her car and headed for the cemetary, ready to face her fears.

She didn't know exactly where her gravestone was situated but someone had told her, when she was a child, roughly where it was. As she walked towards the headstones she spotted wild daisies growing on the green. She picked a few of them before she began her search for her mother. Just as she began to scan the sixth row she spotted a very familiar name on a big, dark grey stone with white boarders and writing. _June Arch._

Amanda felt her heart pound as she made her way to stand directly in front of it. She felt so ashamed and guilty and didn't know what to say. What do you say after so many years of absence? Hi mum! Hello mum! Sorry I haven't been around mum! As she stood there, thinking about what to say, a sense of peace swept over her and the feeling of anxiousness and nervousness suddenly disappeared. Slowly she sank to her knees, placed the daisies on the ground below and traced her fingertips along the engraved name of her mother. "I'm here, mum. I'm finally here and I'm free!" she whispered with a smile and tears began to flood her eyes. "We're free." she stated and took a deep shaky breath and blinked at the salty drops, threatening to fall.

She closed her eyes and just sat there for a moment, feeling her mother's presence around her, warming her, comforting her and forgiving her for not visiting sooner, even though she would probably insist that there was nothing to forgive, Amanda thought. "I love you mum." she said softly into thin air, hoping that somehow it would reach her mother's ears.

"She loved you too, dear. So so much."

The voice startled her and she instantly turned to her right where it had come from. An older lady, probably in her late fifties or early sixties was standing only a few feet away. Her hair was blonde but she could make out the gray streaks, especially by her forehead and temples. Her eyes were dark green and showed nothing but kindness and compassion. "You probably don't remember me, dear. I was a close friend to your mother. We grew up and went to school together. We were almost inseparable. Last time I saw you, you must have been four or five. You were wearing a cute light blue dress, your hair was tied back with a matching colored ribbon and your eyes were just as blue as they are now."

Amanda was stunned. She just sat there and stared at the stranger in front of her for what seemed like a very very long time. Then, suddenly it hit her. She did remember this woman. She had seen her before, back when she was a child. She remembered her mother talking to her as Amanda herself was dancing in little circles around them, making them laugh and smile as her dress swayed freely around her knees in the air. She remembered that dress. That light blue dress with the ribbon. It had been one of her favourites. How could she have forgotten? Her eyes suddenly filled up with tears and she stood up on two trembling legs. "Iris?" she whispered, her voice breaking.

The older woman opened her arms, opened up her arms and tears welled up in her eyes when she heard Amanda speak her name. "Amanda." she said and engulfed the petite blonde in a strong motherly hug. "Oh, dear. I never thought I'd see you again." they held on tightly, crying and laughing before finally pulling away. Iris wiped the tears from Amanda's cheeks and then her own. "Look at you!" she said, taking Amanda by her upper arms and studied her from top to toe. "You are the image of your mother. Beautiful, strong and independent. I can tell." she winked. Then her expression changed into a serious and grave one. "I heard about your father, Frank." she let go of Amanda's arms and looed at the gravestone of June. "I know I'm speaking for the two of us when I say that I'm glad he's gone."

Her eyes turned back to Amanda's questioning blue. "He was..." she sighed and tried to find the right word to descibe him, "evil." she finally said. "I tried to talk your mother into leaving him but... but she said she couldn't, she was too afraid." once again the kindness appeared in her eyes and she gently cupped Amanda's face between her soft palms. "You got everything from your mother, nothing from him, don't you ever forget that. You are nothing like him." she gave Amanda a motherly kiss on her forehead. "I just live aroud the corner, apartment four D." she pointed towards a big building just off the church ground. "If you ever feel like popping by. I've got some stories about your mother and me and what shenanigans we got up to when we were young." she said laughing, her eyes glowing from the happy memories.

"I'd like that." Amanda said with a sniffle, tryng to fight the tears that were silently making their way down her cheeks. Iris brushed them away with the pads of her thumbs.

"You're always welcome, the door will always be open for you, dear." she glanced over Amanda's right shoulder and smiled. "But now, I believe that someone is waiting for you." she nodded towards the direction she was looking.

Amanda frowned in confusion and turned her head to see who it was. Her heart stopped hen she saw Olivia standing by her car, leaning up againt it, thumbs resting in the loops of her jeans, big sun glasses and her hair blew freely in the wind, making it shine in a healthy glow with different shades of chocolate brown. Olivia. Her Olivia. She remembered telling her this morning that she needed to do this on her own and that she would be fine but now, just looking at the gorgeous brunette, made her realize how wrong she had been.

"Go." Iris said gently. "I will see you soon, I hope." Amanda smiled and gave the woman a strong hug and promised to visit real soon.

As Iris made her way back towards her apartment building, Amanda began to make her way towards Olivia. As she came closer to the brunette it suddenly hit her how lucky she was. Her heart swelled with emotions she couldn't explain and she unconsciously picked up the pace. She needed to feel those strong loving arms around her, to smell Olivia's scent and to feel the warmth of her body pressed against hers. She ran. Tears falling as she crashed into Liv's already open embrace and flung her arms around her neck. How did she know that she needed her after telling her she didn't? How did she know where to find her and when? She didn't understand but it didn't matter. She was here. Olivia was here and that was all she needed right now.

The detective held her tight and ran her fingers through blonde locks, placing gentle kisses on her temple. "You okay, baby?" she asked tenderly, pulled back and wiped the tears that continued to fall. "Who was that woman?" she asked curiously.

Amanda looked back just in time to see the older woman wave and disappear around a corner. She smiled and whispered, "A friend."


	24. Chapter 24

Fix You Chapter 24

Amanda had discovered a newfound peace within herself that she didn't know she had. Her acceptance of everything that had happened to her throughout her childhood up until now was the biggest step forward. Just acknowledging, accepting and dealing with her past has been the key to the start of recovery. Having Olivia around every time she needed her made a huge difference. She was so grateful to have the strong beautiful detective in her life and, for once, she could finally see a future. Of course it would take some time to get there but it would all be worth the effort.

Iris had also been a great help and suport. She obviously didn't know all the horrific details of what Amanda had been put through but she had her suspicions. The older woman knew that Frank never cared for anybody but himself and that June and Amanda had suffered tremendously from it. They had only seen each other twize since their first meeting at the graveyard but they both found it so easy to talk to one another and Amanda felt even closer to her mother after hearing some of the stories Iris had in storage for her. There was light at the end of the tunnel after all.

Alex's kitchen had been fully replaced and covered by the insurance company but she had only spent a couple of nights there, since Liv wasn't too comfortable leaving her by herself. Besides, they both liked the closeness and the physical proximity they had created. It was almost like they were a proper couple, living together but still not quite.

It was just before midnight and Liv couldn't sleep. Her mind was running wild from excitement, anxiety and worry. It was Amanda's birthday tomorrow and she just hoped that she wouldn't disappoint the blonde with her plans. Nothing had been mentioned about her birthday. Amanda probably thought that Liv knew nothing about it and would spend the day like any other day. She glanced lovingly at the slumbering form next to her and smiled. She looked so peaceful and beautiful, untouched and innocent to anybody who didn't know her and what she had been through. Liv knew. She knew her past and her dark secrets and was amazed at how the younger woman had survived all alone for so long. But she was not alone anymore. Olivia would see to that and do everything in her power to not let anything or anyone hurt Amanda again.

Eventually she must have fallen asleep because the next thing she knew, the sun was shining straight in her face. It was just after eight and Amanda was still asleep. Carefully she slid out of bed and headed straight for the big closet out in the hallway where she had kept a secret hidden stash of presents for Amanda. A huge bouquet of multi coloured tulips, since roses were too cliche, a bottle of champagne and a couple of small other gifts. She poured two glasses, after miraculously opening the bottle with hardly any popping noise, placed them on a tray along with the other things and snuk back in to the bedroom.

She sat down next to the slumbering form, placed the tray on the nightstand and lovingly brushed blonde hair away from her face. "Good morning, beautiful." she whispered into her ear and kissed her lighty on the lips. When Amanda began to stir Liv cupped her face genly between her hands just so she could feel the soft skin, warm from sleep. "Happy birthday!" she said and stroked her cheeks with her thumbs, waiting for Amanda to fully wake up.

A blue eye popped open. "Wh... how did you... I mean, I never told you when my birthday is."

Liv smiled and kissed her again. "I have my ways, my love. Now, sit up so you can have some champagne for breakfast and open your presents."

Amanda sat up and leaned against the headboard. She could smell the flowers from where she was sitting. "They're beautiful. Thank you so much." she said shyly and accepted a glass of the bubbly liquid.

Olivia held out her glass and made a toast. "To a beautiful and an amazing woman, who has been through the unthinkable and still managed to thrive. You will always be my hero."

Amanda was slightly taken aback by Olivia's words and felt herself become emotional, tears brimming in her eyes. Good tears. "Thank you." she croaked out and took Liv's hand in hers, giving it a squeeze before letting it go.

"Here." The brunette handed her a nicely wrapped rectangular shaped parcel. "It's from Iris. She wanted me to give it go you." slowly Amanda began to unwrap the golden paper, curious as to what it could be. Her heart stopped for a second when she realized what she was holding. It was a photagraph. A picture of her mother, Iris and herself. It was the exact memory Amanda had suddenly remembered the day she had met Iris. She was dressed in that blue dress she liked so much and the matching ribbon in her hair. Her mother wore a red v neck, A shaped dress with shoes to match and a shiny hairpin, in shape of a flower, held together her blonde tresses away from her blue eyes. Iris wore something similar in style, just different colour and a black clutch bag.

She did remember bits and pieces of that day but she didn't remember that a photograph had been taken or who took it. It was the first and only photo she had of her mother now, since her father had sold all her belongings and gotten rid of everything that reminded him of June after she died.

A single tear landed on the glass of the frame and she used her sleeve to wipe it away. Olivia glanced at the photo and her whole face lit up. "Oh my god! Look at you, sweetie! You were so small and adorable. Well, you still are, just a bigger version." her eyes travelled to June and instantly saw the resemblance. "Your mother was beautiful." her fingers graced the glass, "you got that from her. You got everything from her. You're nothing like your father. Do you hear me?" Liv insisted.

Amanda tore her eyes away from the photo and looked at Liv. "Thank you." she whispered, her voice thick with emotion. Olivia had bought her a pair of gold studs for her ears with a sparkling dimond surrounded by a circle of smaller ones. It was simply beautiful and the blonde couldn't thank her enough. The detective had also ordered a chef hat online saying 'Headchef Amanda Rollins' around the border in golden letters with an apron to match. After opening her gifts she flung her arms around Olivia, trying to hold in her tears.

"You deserve it, honey. You deserve it all and so much more." Liv comforted, pulled away and gave the blonde a cheeky look. "So... there's more. Much more. I'm taking you out for the day, my lady." she helped Amanda out of the bed. "Get dressed, just wear something comfortable." she left the room with a very confused blonde behind.

Olivia had arranged several activities for them to do throughout the day. They started off with wall climbing. Olivia had done it a few times before but for Amanda it was a first. She managed to get to the top rather quickly to Olivia's surprise and they later on moved to a more difficult wall to climb. The brunette made it to the top but Amanda lost her footing halfway up, felt the safety harness take her weight and she was slowly hoisted down, gutted that she didn't beat Olivia to it. "I let you win, you realize that don't you?" Amanda said in a serious tone.

"Of curse." Liv winked.

After the climbing Olivia brought them to a small but cozy cafe kind of hidden along a side street. It was quite famous for it's coffee and the brunette remember Amanda mentioning at one point that she would like to go for a coffee tasting event. "You're kidding?" she said, all excited with a big smile on her face as they stood outside the cafe.

"I kid you not." Liv chuckled, opened the door for the blonde and made an arm gesture for her to enter. "After you, birthday girl." she even pulled out the chair for the smaller woman and made sure she was comfortable. There were other people there for the tasting as well and a big tray of small coffee cups were placed on their table. There were eight different type of coffee, two of each kind, and a little note came with each one, telling them where it came from, how it's made, which kind of roast it was and a number that told them how strong the intensity of that perticular kind was.

An hour and full of coffee later, they headed back out, after a visit to the bathroom of course. Amanda felt the caffeine rush through her body and she was shaking slightly. "I think you had a bit too much coffee, sweetie. You're about to jump out of your skin." Liv stated and placed an arm around her waist.

"I'm fine. How come you're not even phased from all that caffeine?" she asked the brunette with wonder.

Olivia smiled and shrugged. "I suppose it's the job, spending countless of hours in hospitals and interrogation rooms, the office and in court. I drink a lot, and I mean a lot, of coffee. Probably a bit too much. Now, quickly or we're going to be late."

"Late for what?" Amanda curiously asked, knowing already that she wasn't gonna get an answer out of Liv.

"You'll see." said the brunette with a grin on her face, took Amanda's hand and hurried along the streets of NYC.

Central Park was busy, as usual. People everywhere doing their own thing, eating, walking their dogs, exercising, groups of teenagers listening to music and dancing. "What are we doing here?" Amanda asked, desperate for an answer.

Olivia kissed her gently on the lips and smiled. She didn't have time to answer before a horse and cart pulled up in front of them, the carter raised his hat to salute and pulled the two black geldings to a full stop. He quickly got out and offered his hand to Amanda. "My lady."

The blonde looked at Liv in confusion and astonishment. "Go on." Liv encouraged and placed her hand on the small of her back and helped her up before entering the carriage herself. "Thank you, Stanley. You are right on time."

The man got up and grabbed the reins. "My pleasure, ladies. I hope you will enjoy the ride."

As long as Amanda had lived in New York she had never been on one of the carriages that toured around the park on a daily basis. It was something she never thought of doing before but sitting next to Liv, feeling her warmth and comforting presence, she knew that this would not be her last time doing this. Olivia wrapped her arm around the blonde and pulled her close. "Me and Stanley go way back. He use to work as a patrol officer and when he retired he began doing this."

"It's amazing. I love it." Amanda stated and snuggled closer into Liv's side and placed her head on the detective's strong shoulder.


	25. Chapter 25

Fix You Chapter 25

The carriage ride lasted over an hour. Amanda went around the front to pet the horses. She had always loved the big animal but had never been actually riding one before. Hopefully that day would come soon. She fed them each a carrot that Stanley gave her and felt how soft and gentle their noses were as they ate from the palm of her hand. She smiled and turned to Liv who was also smiling. "What are you grinning about?" Amanda asked suspiciously.

Liv chuckled. "You." she stated. "You are just too adorable for your own good." she kissed her temple and took a hold of her hand. Without the blonde noticing it, Liv slipped fifty bucks into Stanley's hand and gave him a warm hug. "Thank you so much, Stan. Give your wife my best, okay?"

"I will of course, detective. Enjoy the rest of your evening." again he saluted by tilting his hat, got back up and commanded the horses to move forward.

It was now almost four pm and they were both getting hungry, which according to Olivia's plan, was perfect. She could hear Amanda's belly rumble and smiled when she saw her blush. "We better feed that monster you have in there." Liv said and patted the blonde's flat belly. "Just follow me, my lady."

As Olivia was leading them towards their destination, Amanda began to feel awful familiar with her surroundings. The detective was leading her down the path to where she had once found Amanda beating the crap out of a tree. "Why are you taking me here?" she asked, a bit nervous of what was about to come.

"Patience is a virtue, my dear." the narrow trail ended and the small pond came in to view. Amanda stopped, her mouth open in awe and surprise. Just next to the water was a blanket, a picnic basket and a cooler already set up. The blonde frowned and turned towards Olivia.

"When did you... How did you... I mean, who did all of this? I've been next to you the entire time. When did you get a chance to do this?"

Olivia gently pulled her along down to the large outspread blanket and gestured for her to sit down. "I have my ways." she said and winked. The frown on Amanda's face told her that she wasn't convinced or satisfied with the answer. "John and Fin helped me organize this. They were busy little bees while we were enjoying our carriage ride." she got two glasses out, opened the cooler and found a bottle of champagne and popped the cork.

"I know that this place means something to you and I don't want to intrude or invade your privacy in a any way, but I thought it would be a perfect spot for a picnic." she held out a glass for the blonde and made a toast. "To a very beautiful, talented, amazingly stunning and accomplished woman, Amanda Rollins. I wish you a very happy and special birthday."

Amanda felt herself getting emotional and cursed herself for it. It had been a perfect day and, for once in her life, she felt truly happy and at peace. They each sipped their sparkling beverage. The lump in Amanda's throat, due to a whole range of emotions, made it hard to swallow. "Th... thank you." she rasped, "thank you so so much. I dont know what to say, I... I... I'm just... Wow!"

Liv smiled, brought her hand up and gently touched her cheek. "You don't have to say anything, sweetie. It's your day, your birthday and it is the least I can do. I'm honoured to spend it with you."

Amanda blushed at Liv's kind words. "Thank you for wanting to spend it with me." she said quietly.

Olivia kissed her flushed cheek tenderly. "Let's eat before it gets... warm." they both chuckled as Liv began to unload item after item from the cooler. There was a selection of cold meats with brown and white bread, a spring salad, another bottle of champagne, water, a mixture of fruit and berries and a chocolate mousse for dessert with whipped cream.

"Wow." Amanda stated while taking in the scene before her. "What else do you have in that cooler? A whole cow, in case we run out of meat?"

Liv laughed heartedly and got comfortable on the blanket before they dug into the goodies. "I've never had a picnic before." Amanda confessed. "It's nice."

The brunette swallowed and washed down her food with some water. "Well, we'll have to do it on a regular basis then. I'm glad you like it, sweetie." as they finished eating the sun began to set, making the water look like liquid fire. The light and colours from the sun reflected on to the pond, small ripples on the surface made the water look alive and ablaze. It was beautiful and Amanda could barely take her eyes off of it. She shivered slightly as a gentle breeze passed by and Olivia was quick to act, opening her arms and gesturing for the blonde to snuggle in for some warmth. "Come here." she said gently.

Amanda smiled shyly but scooted over, placing herself between Olivia's legs, resting her back against her front and they continued to watch the sunset. The detective kissed her temple and rubbed her hands up and down Amanda's arms, rocking them slightly from side to side. A few mintes passed and Olivia suddenly broke the silence. "Oh, I almost forgot. I have something else for you but you have to close your eyes."

Amanda looked at her suspiciously, narrowing her eyes. "What have you got up your sleeve, detective?"

Olivia grinned and wiggled her eyebrows. "You have to close your eyes or you'll never find out." Amanda did as she was told, a bit nervous about what was about to come. The older woman freed herself from the embrace and stood. "Relax, keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them."

"Yes, ma'am." Amanda said and saluted.

Chuckling, Olivia made her way to a nearby tree to retrieve the surprise she had told Fin to hide there. The thing she held in her hand would probably be an emotional thing for Amanda. She was taking a big risk by giving her this gift and she didn't know how the blonde was going to react. It could go both ways. She could totally flip out or accept it as it was. It could either make or break and Olivia just hoped for the first option.

She made her way back, relieved to see that her eyes were still closed, stopped right in front of her and took a deep breath, hoping for the best. "You can open them now." she whispered.

Amanda's eyes fluttered open and she instantly gasped at what Olivia held in her hands. A black, shiny, full bodied, Tanglewood guitar was resting in her hands, a big red bow was tied to the fret board and a capo was positioned on the first fret, ready to play. Her heart began to beat wildly and her breathing picked up. All kinds of emotions swept over her and she didn't know if that was good or bad. She hadn't played in so long and since her last experience with a guitar had been an awful one, she didn't know if she could even touch it. Another part of her wanted to rip the instrument from the detective's hands and play to her hearts content, she just didn't know which feeling outweighed the other.

Olivia felt like the time stood still. She could feel her own heart beat rapidly as she witnessed all the different emotions creeping over Amanda's face, her blue eyes never leaving the guitar. Now Olivia felt foolish. What had she done? She should've known better than to bring up bad memories and emotions. It was probably too soon for Amanda to face her fears and demons, especially in this way.

She was just about to turn, thinking that Amanda probably wanted nothing more to do with her, when she heard a soft voice. "Wait."

Olivia got down to her knees in front of the blonde, the guitar resting in her lap. "I'm so sorry, Amanda. I... I should've known that it would be too much too soon. I'm sorry, I..."

"No." the blonde suddenly interrupted. "It... it's okay. I... I'm just... I... I didn't expect this. I'm just a bit... overwhelmed that's all." she shakily stated and rubbed her sweaty palms over her jeans clad thighs. "I... I don't know what to say... or feel for that matter. I'm just a bit shocked."

Olivia placed the guitar next to her on the blanket, took Amanda's trembling hands in her own and looked her straight in the eye. "Don't let him win, Amanda. Don't let him have this hold on you. He turned something you loved into something ugly and I'm here to turn it all back to the way it should be. Don't let the bad memories win over the good ones, because if you do, then you'll only prevent yourself from creating new ones, and sweetie, I want you to have good memories. You've gone through too much pain and heartache to last a lifetime and I don't want that to stop you from living the life that you want. I'm here and I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart. I want to see you happy."

Amanda felt silent tears rolling down her cheeks. She went to wipe them away but Olivia beat her to it. "I just want to see you happy, baby. That's all I want." she whispered softly.

After hearing those words, coming from the person she had grown so attached to, all the negative and bad emotions seemed to slowly drift away and she tured her gaze towards the stringed instrument lying just next to her. She reached for it, caressed it's smooth surface, like a lover's caress, feeling the coolness of the wood against her palm. She untied the ribbon, positioned the instrument perfectly and softly strummed a G chord to see if it was tuned. Of course it was. Liv had probably seen to that as well.

The sound was full and rich. She could feel the vibrations under her fingertips as she continued to strum another chord, loving the way the sound passed through the hollow body, creating a perfect harmony of notes before she began to sing.

You breathed infinity into my world

And time was lost up in a cloud and in a whirl.

We dug a hole in the cool grey earth and lay there for the night.

Then you said, "wait for me we'll fly the wind,

We'll grow old and you'll be stronger without him" but oh,

Now my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,

But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song

So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,

And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare of

Any bindings from the world outside that room.

And they weren't taken by the hand

And led through fields of naked land

Where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...

So I couldn't say "no".

You sighed and I was lost in you, weeks could've past for all I knew.

You were there blanket of the over-world and so I couldn't say,

I wouldn't say "no". But they all said, "you're too young to even know,

Just don't let it grow and you'll be stronger without him"

But oh, now, my world is at your feet. I was lost and I was found,

But I was alive and now I've drowned.

So now I will be waiting for the world to hear my song

So they can tell me I was wrong...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,

And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare

Of any bindings from the world outside that room.

And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields

Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...

But they weren't there beneath your stare,

And they weren't stripped 'till they were bare

Of any bindings from the world outside that room.

And they weren't taken by the hand and led through fields

Of naked land where any pre-conceived ideas were blown away...

So I couldn't say "no".

(Missy Higgins, They Weren't There.)

The End.


End file.
